latidacaitlin

You told me your word was “stuck” and at that point in time I text you back telling you my word was “lonely;” however, as the days have progressed I have come to other words I could describe myself as for the past month. Such as “stuck” also. I constantly feel like I am in this box where everyone outside can do whatever they please, but because I have to mind everyone else’s toes, I have to walk on mine and be this person who doesn’t get hurt.

Literally. People expect me to be this person who just shrugs her shoulders, says “that’s it I guess” and to just be okay with everything as though I am a robot.

I’m supposed to just sit back and be okay with the fact that a MARRIED woman asked my boyfriend to go get a beer when he got off work at…midnight? one am? Mind you of course that isn’t inappropriate because they were going to be talking about their son. That makes it okay.

I am a shadow, and I’m not sure how much more I can take of it.

Robby and I had a date Sunday night, an amazing date, but before he left to go talk to her he told me he couldn’t wear his nice red collared shirt.

why? Because she’d have asked why he was so dressed up and it would have angered her if he would have told her he was going on a date with me…

Since when does one person, who means nothing…literally NOTHING to you…have so much power over your life?

I guess used to be I was okay with being a shadow. It didn’t bother me, love is always enough. But on top of everything else that has been happening…such as another girl who finds it appropriate to butt into my relationship all the time…yet I can’t say anything to her either because that would make work weird. 

So I can be run over. Get my feelings pounded into a mud bath…but everyone else can just do as they please outside of my box.

So yes, my sweet friend who I’ve missed so dearly and text me, I am stuck too.

I am stuck within myself, with no one to dismiss these feelings to, being attacked left and right.

I suppose that is the price you pay for being happy and always having a smile on your face, literally everyone tries to bring you down.

It’s a lot right now and if my mother ever reads this she’ll shake her head, whisper “I told you so” and hope I get out of this so called “mess”

but what you all don’t see. ALL of you. what you don’t see is the struggle behind closed doors.

It isn’t just easy to look at someone and tell them that you’ve fought this hard for them for over a year now, and you’re just going to throw their love away and leave. It isn’t so easy to just walk away.

what you all don’t see is the pain in his eyes because he knows how exhausted I am over everything. The pain in the fact that tomorrow might not happen.

So you can sit there and say he’s miserable. You can post what you want on the web. You can blame me for his hair. You can blame me for everything. You can say he doesn’t want to be with me.

You can really say what you want…

the truth is you don’t know. You don’t see or hear what’s said in our moments. How incredibly scared we both are of losing us because of being attacked left and right. How we are desperately holding on and striving to get through this rough spot.

So keep going. keep pushing, maybe you’ll get what you want, who knows.

I hope it is worth it. Tearing at people like that, I hope that out of it you find your happiness, I really do.

“I just…I’m too tired to fight for you anymore sometimes, it’s all getting too hard”

“I’ll fight for you until the end of time”

How do you forget? Seriously, how do you take memories, take shit that is within your head and disintegrate it into an abyss of nothing? People like to tell me “just don’t think about it” “just put it out of your mind” If only it was that easy. I wish I had such a simple mind that it could be that easy.

But no, rather, I have a very complex mind that does it’s own thing. Literally. My mind is it’s own being and it does whatever it likes, even if it begins to kill me in the process.

I believe I am going to look at vacation spots now.

my words are hidden from you all, because desperately speaking demolishing would conquer my own opinions formed. I trust no one and yet still continue to be overly nice to everyone. Still yet to really put my foot down, and yet when the time comes the writing major monster within me will be released.

I am much more dangerous than a redneck woman with a mean left hook. You can heal from that. What you cannot heal from are words.

Words, I’m good at.

Quite the constant gnawing on my brain. Still haven’t quite figured out what it is but I can feel it ever so tangled in my uncombed hair. I didn’t mean to do it, and yet a part of me knows that I did. There isn’t a point in apologizing, somethings are just meant to happen. Yesterday I was lost…completely lost in this determination to prove the entire world wrong and to fight for everything I had. I was lost in this person who over cared to the point of crazily exhaustion and cultivating insanity. Today I am closer to the person I am meant to be. The independent, strong woman that my mother not only raised but pushed me to be. I am the woman who has finally decided in so many areas of her life to not only put her foot down, but put both feet down on the other side of the fence, keeping those who don’t belong on the remaining side I once stood upon.

I am bolder, much more braver, and less likely to put up with it. With any of it. Yet I find within myself a more mature woman who becomes more forgiving everyday. Not the yesterday Caitlin who forgave and then went right back towards the trap of naivety, but the today Caitlin who can forgive and move on, knowing that what life has in store for her is better.

I have learned that enemies can become your bestfriends, the people you never thought that would come pounding through your apartment door listening to you as you cry the words I just don’t understand. I have learned that the closest, most intertwined friends you can have can become distant memories to where you start to wonder if they ever really existed or if you hallucinated their overpowering existence. I have learned that addiction comes in so many forms and if allowed, can be the controlling substance to your life. I have learned that love is the greatest addiction to where no matter what the person does you allow them back in time and time again because the bad moments have no effect over the glorious moments that leave you feeling something more vast than infinite. I have learned that no matter what the status, people will try to come in between you. They will play games, they will manipulate, they will lie, and they will do what they can in hopes to steal and gain something they desire that you have. I have learned that one small step can turn into one huge sin.

But I have also learned that people CAN change, while others stay stuck on repeat. That moosetracks and velveeta shells and cheese are still my favorite random cravings, and driving for hours upon hours while listening to the music very loudly, preferably Alanis Morissette, can cure anything. That reality is, life goes on no matter what. That beauty is made from oneself and happiness generates the same way.

That people change, and grow apart, and that isn’t necessarily bad…that even though it isn’t what you wanted, doesn’t mean it isn’t what was supposed to have happened.

And above all else, seeing them smile is still what keeps me going. Is still what I yearn to do with my life. Saving them, one by one. Their blessed little hands lingering on those flowers… their precious eyes pleading for salvation… My main motivation in life.

James 1:27 - Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

That awkward moment when someone misinterprets your words.

No matter what you do. It’s always going to be your fault. You’re the outsider. You’re the easiest one to blame.

been there, done that.

whatever. life still goes on. even if it isn’t done in the right way.