latidacaitlin

when a fourth grader comes up to me and asks me if I can be their mother it does not make me feel good about myself, it saddens me truly.

when she follows it with a “all my mom does is yell at me” or, “I don’t even see my mother, she lives in Illinois…” then I cannot help but want to trade lives with these girls, so that they can see what it is like to have a mother.

I believe that I need to start seeing a psychiatrist for placing myself in some shoes tends to hurt too much.

my main goal in doing powergirls is to show these girls that no matter what…NO MATTER WHAT…they are beautiful. you can be different. you can be a tomboy. you can be a girlie girl, you can be white, black yellow, purple, pink…. you are still beauitful it is within our different characteristics and through our uniqueness that makes us so beautiful.

short hair long hair, green eyes, brown eyes, freckled faces… when we stop seeing people as black or white or tan or yellow or whatever color, and we start seeing people as EQUALS then we will start seeing change in how people are and how people treat other people.

I understand the arguments behind races, and this happened to these people, and this happened to them…and yes maybe we all don’t have the same backgrounds or struggles, but regardless we do ALL have struggles anyways, and we all got here some how and we are all still people, different, but in the same in that we are all different .

I want my girls to know they can take on the world. they can do whatever they want as long as they put their hearts and desires towards their goals. to always stick with school and to broaden their minds. to always love people. to always cherish friends. to always be the friend they would want in return. to stand up for those who are mocked, to be bold enough to make that stand.

to be confident enough that they can not care what other people think of them, and that yes, they will get made fun of, people will try to bring them down, jealousy will arise, but that it is within those struggles that will make them stronger and able to accomplish anything.

I want them to feel invincible.

I want them to know they are gorgeous beyond words.

I want everyone to know that.

please, please know that.

This is going to be quite a lengthy post but I promise if you stay with me it will be beneficial.

I will start out by stating that I am not attacking anyone in this post, I am really not. People have different opinions and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, this is simply my opinion and my experiences to back this opinion up, and the mere fact that I do a program for Haven House entitled Safe Dates where we go to highschools and teach on what a healthy relationship is so that teenagers will watch out for emotional or physical abusers.

With that being said, I will list the common misconceptions of the “okay’s” in a relationship and then give what I believe is the right way to handle things based upon what I have learned in safe dates, and what my experience has led me too. I will use examples but I will not use any names, and like I said I am not attacking anyone, and comments on this would be much appreciated because I need to hear other opinions to try and place myself in your shoes so that I can be a more understanding teacher when it comes to these kids, because today I wanted to shoot through the roof with some of the answers that were said.

The first thing that we don’t realize as girls is the misconception of what is caring and what is controlling.

When a boyfriend tells you who you can and cannot talk to, that is not caring, that is controlling. If his jealousy is that bad to where he dictates who your friends are that is not healthy.

I had a guyfriend once upon a time, and he was my bestfriend and we did a lot of stuff together, he was always respectful of my boyfriend during this time and our outings consisted of church events and baking cakes for people’s birthdays and he would help me buy clothes or I would help him. HOWEVER…because SOCIETY thought it looked weird, the guy I was with during this time told me he did not want me to be his friend, and because I loved this guy I ruined a relationship that meant a great deal to me. so many months later I found out this guy had been cheating on me the entire time, but when I tried to fix things with my bestfriend it was too late and time had already healed over that patch of grass.

we as girls think that when we get text messages all the time saying “where are you” and “what are you doing” that he just cares. No he just wants to control you because he has trust issues, or SHE has trust issues because we as girls do this too. You have got to trust that person, and I look at it as if they DO cheat or they DO mess up, then they weren’t the right person for you any way so why sweat it?

You cannot control someone to love you or to be with you. and if someone is controlling you like that just imagine what it would be like to actually marry them… first it is your friends…then it is your family… but of course it is masked with “but I love you so much that all I want to do is spend time with you and no one else…”

that is a manipulative way, but we never take notice of it because we think it is oh so sweet.

I am guilty of this too, but I have come to the realization that you just can’t do that to someone. It is not healthy.

not to mention what happens when you give up all your friends for this so called Mr. Right, and he becomes Mr. Wrong… where does that leave you? You can’t completely rule out your social life for a significant other, trust me I have BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT, and it left me friendless all except for one friend after the fact, and I was surprised I still had her as well.

You cannot say that you cannot have guyfriends if you are in a relationship or you cannot have girlfriends….

I know a couple who not only has TONS of friends on both sides but they are in a DISTANCE relationship and they TRUST each other and they are the happiest couple I know. They have the healthiest relationship I know and so I know, ladies and gentlemen, that healthy relationships DO exist, and they work!

Not every guy wants to get in your pants, and not every girl wants your man.

and even if they do? take it as a compliment that your girl or guy is fine as hell and get over it. You cannot control what other people think, and as long as they are being respectful it should not be an issue. You also cannot control they way other people are or act, and you should not try to control the way they live or who they talk to.

I am a flirty person, but it has taken some maturing to do on my part to realize I can control that. I can be friendly without the flirtatious, yes YOU can too. I am very mindful of my actions now when I talk to guyfriends and I am very aware of my body language. this is not hard stuff boys and girls, it is just a part of growing up and maturing.

Signs of Emotional abuse:

-if he/she makes fun of you in front of a group of people

-if he/she says things that they deem as joking but it really hurts your self esteem

-if he/she tells you who you can and cannot talk to

-if he/she tells you that if you leave them they will hurt themselves

-if he/she tries to isolate you from family

these are just a few that I put on here because these are the ones that just kind of happen that we do not take notice of because they are part of society norm now a days.

a few scenarios we talked about this morning were as follows:

Billy and Suzie are dating. Billy sees Suzie talking to some guy in the hallway and she is laughing at whatever he is saying. Billy sees this as flirting so he walks over and grabs Suzie’s arm and says “lets go” as they walk away Suzie tries to explain to Billy that the guy is her older brother’s bestfriend and she has grown up with him but Billy won’t listen. Later that night Billy comes by with roses and tells Suzie he is sorry and the only reason he gets that way is because he loves her so much.

This happens a lot, and girls just always go back, or guys just always go back, but if you have someone with jealousy issues this intense then you are going to have them controlling your life and who knows what else that can lead to. Some guys even hit girls and then later apologize and that makes it okay too….

this is not okay people, we should be able to date and have separate lives. trust. trust. trust.

and then the scenario that got my blood boiling.

What if you see your boyfriend or girlfriend in the hallway talking to a slut/player? do you tell them they aren’t allowed to talk to that person because of their reputation?

My kids said yes and said that this was a sign of caring??….

Look, Robby talks to girls who I deem as…. well, anyways, besides the point…this is all about trust. I would never tell him who he can and cannot talk to, and I never have. I have made a mistake by saying “I don’t feel comfortable with you talking to this person” but I soon realized this was personal issues, and honestly I have made up my mind that I am not going to be like that. He can talk to who he wants to and I trust that nothing will happen.

the whole “I trust you I just don’t trust them” doesn’t cut it because ultimately WE are the ones in control of the situation. If some girl tried something I would expect a polite, “look, I have a girlfriend and I don’t find that appropriate” and vise versa.

these are hard concepts to grasp because society has made all of these things seem okay but they aren’t okay.

Kind of like a buddy of mine telling me last night it was inappropriate for me to talk to an ex. exes can’t be friends? wrong. they can. My bestfriend is great friends with one of her exes and that is merely all they are, and they can talk and hang out and she is seeing someone and he is seeing someone and they are friends. it is about trusting your partner.

we tend to take things much too seriously at such a young age, if that person is the one then let them do what they want, and there should not be an issue.

remember, controlling is NOT caring.

Thank you.

so maybe we just work. hard, that is because it truly isn’t easy, and yet they say it isn’t supposed to be hard, but they just happen to be wrong because how do we appreciate our car if we didn’t work hard for it to pay for it? How do we appreciate that we have things if other people didn’t suffer without them? Pessimistic I know, but the truth, as I was telling Tyler, is the world is a sad place. So we work, and like ol’ Barfield said, love is not a fight but it is something worth fighting for. so I get that we are different, and I get that you’ve never quite been with a girl like me before, and I can assure you I’ve never been with a fella quite like you before. And you enjoy chasing me, so we go round and round the merry go yard until one of us steps in dog shit….which happened to be you today, for once. and I like to dance in the rain even though we get extremely cold and run inside and get under the blankets as fast as we can as my lips turn an odd shade of purple.

we work because we work at it, and we can be as crazy as they come for I can’t go without missing you for ten minutes and you can’t go without seeing me for one night, and yeah I still have a phone fetish, but you still have an internalizing issue, but we tend to help each other through it all. I say things that should not necessarily be said, and you handle things more maturely than I do most times, but together we just work.

maybe it is because you never yell at me. you never cuss me. you never hurt me. you always listen.

maybe it is because I never complain. I always scratch your back, and I am such a good kisser ;D

maybe it is because I actually see it in your eyes, and the night where I said something stupid I honestly saw the fear in your reaction, and that is when I realized that you are my sticker, but that is okay because I’ll be your glue, and together we will work because we give more meaning to the words, I love you.

and yeah it will be hard, there’s more against us then there are for us, but people don’t like other people who are happy, especially when someone in the relationship is oh so pretty, (that would be you, dear).

so you be the cream and I’ll be the ice, and together we make a cold enjoyable delight, and we will dance to our own beat, and you will swerve the jeep, and I will giggle profusely and you will smile with that tiny light in your right eye, and we will make fools of ourselves at WalMart, and people will probably roll their eyes.

but as long as it is you and I, it does not truly matter at all.

because you hold my hand even if we are just doing homework.

because you kiss me bye, sometimes three and four times.

because you mutter things in your sleep like “I love you” and “why are you so good to me”

because we say forever.

because I kiss you all over all the time, and you don’t get annoyed ever.

because you tickle me until I literally can’t breathe and need to come up for air

because neither one of us wear underwear.

these are just a few reasons why we work.

and together we will save the world, with your awesome cooking capabilities and my love for people and children, we will feed all hungry tummies and become what all of the world needs, just simply a caring, a giving, friend.

so maybe we are opposites and I’m ridiculous most times, and you can be a jerk

but honestly my stellar fella, together, we just really do work.

allow me to introduce the REAL story of little red riding hood. mind you, some of you might have known this but I learned today that ALL fairytales, indeed, have their own personal agenda

and we are all sex fiends.

This has seriously become my favorite class now, thank you Dr. Phillips.

once upon a time there lived a little girl who wore red…which is a deep dark passionate color that represents sex…and off to grandmother’s house with her cookies she went… only to find a big bad wolf…which is also a symbol for sex because the wolf was looked at as a very promiscuous animal, had eaten the grandmother and now was going to eat the little girl…

relevance? hopefully this will instill in your child’s subconscious mind that they need to watch out for sexual aggression and that even someone who loves us deeply can indeed still hurt us. the symbolism behind this is the wolf is disguised as the grandmother, which is someone who Red trusts, therefore even the people we think we can trust can be harmful for us. 

thine eyes have seen the glory…of fairytales and I must now go and analyze all of them…

oh the light…tis so bright.

Dear Caitlin,

Do yourself a favor and be strong this time. Don’t back down. Be the person who knows what she deserves…be the person who remembers that she is her own happiness and that independence is her make up.

and walk away.

please, just walk away,

love the infamous words,

me, myself and I.

Trinkle Trinkle little raindrop down your everlasting disgusting face. disgusting not beauty lying on the outside, disgusting because of who you are within. the falsities which transpire past the crustiness off your lips the selfishness which envelops your entire being.

ring around the rosies, your pockets are full of exposing, the person who you really are, he will get past that imaginary twinkle in your star, the only light within your eyes is the light which festers the black within. ashes, oh the ashes, of who you thought you could be, ashes, oh the ashes, he will one day see. ashes oh the ashes, your world will come, please come crumbling down.

I want to say that I am on the verge of exploding but honestly? I am so incredibly tired that exploding just does not make it’s way up to the top of my priority list, actually…it does not even begin to run in the race of the list that I have.

I could write a letter of resignation myself, I would love a vacation right now, I’m hoping that the amazingly hilarious and witty speaker that spoke at the WALK tonight was right… oh how I hope God has some kind of party in store for me because I feel like I am losing me. 

I am so on the verge of being over you and that is so unlike me. It is unlike me to want to claw the eyeballs of….ignorant people…

I am caitlin. say it with me. I am caitlin. I am patient. I am understanding. we all have different shoes.

for those of you lucky enough to follow my private blog, you’re in for a treat.

Hey remember that time when she lost her job at that church because she was a liar? or what about that time he lost his job at that other church because he had sex before he was married…

oh wait… that is right, you probably do not remember these times because they did not happen, I mean, don’t get me wrong they happen everyday; however, what does not happen is people losing their jobs over them.

So why is it, Fairview Methodist Church, that you feel you have the right to ask someone to step down because they are gay? Go ahead, if you can and answer this question for us all.

It was not like she was throwing around HEY EVERYONE BE GAY WITH ME YAY FOR GAY… no… it was in the privacy of her life, and yet you really think you are in the right for your decision?

the thing that really just irritates the hell out of me is how we as christians, tend to forget that God views all sins the SAME…

what did you just say Caitlin? God does what? NO WAY! are you sure? but…but… no….

yes, my friends, if you believe the historic book which is inscribed BIBLE you will see that all sins are equal. Yet because we are the chosen people… oh wait no we really aren’t…then we think we have the right to label other sins as much worse than the other ones.

Churches, Christians, and people like you are the reason people turn their backs to God. please know God loves everyone, please know this, and please no one turn their backs on him because of the nature of the bible belt… please please please.

I hereby apologize for my fellow christians who find it necessary to sit their asses in God’s big boy seat.

I’m sorry.

and we will lay upon the concrete

watch out for that rock!

but we color on it with highlighters.

I love you caitlin.

I love you too of course.

but then we swing upon swingsets and we laugh at the wind in our face and the smiles grow oh so wide as we kick the ball, shoot the ball.

bucket!

and then we play in the clubhouse

WATCH OUT FOR THAT DRAGON!

….did you just see that faerie fly by?

and we play in forts.

ARGGGHHH!!!

for we are pirates digging for our buried treasure.

captains of our ship.

sea lovers.

would you like to live on the beach one day?

YES!

duh.

and we drink chocolate milk in the midst of the faerie forest as we sing pirate songs and watch out for dragons, but of course climbing the trees which are actually towers and fortresses to find the sword of Arthur

I love you

I love you too.

try to find me.

GRRR!!!!

Never forget that monsters aren’t real, and even if they were you have not only angels around you, but faeries who keep invisible but they are there, and they watch you as you sleep, not allowing anything to hurt you, you can never be hurt, and will never be hurt. ever.

Goodnight, and sleep tight.

Dear Caitlin,

There are just a few things that I would like to let you know, being as I am an older you, and I feel as though I need to let you know some things about life that might make a difference and might make life easier.

First of all, stay close to Katie, for she would have been the pick you up friend you needed to feel beautiful and to feel like you can conquer the world, she moves away, but you don’t have to let that be the end…

Stay friends with Heather, because in the end she needs you, she needs someone who cares, and when you leave her in that neighborhood by herself she goes down a really hard road… and it doesn’t turn out so well.

Enjoy those moments where you ride your bike, jump on the trampoline, and have no care in the world, running with the gang, being crazy and loving life.

tell your mom when she asks you in the car if she can divorce your dad, that she can but that she needs to go about it the right way or there will be consequences to pay, I know you are only ten at this point, but please just let her know.

When you are in sixth grade? Don’t be friends with those girls, they aren’t real friends, and popularity doesn’t really matter at all, but don’t worry sweetheart because you figure this out in eighth grade when you meet Whitney, and she becomes your bestfriend.

I need to let you know that you go to different highschools than Whitney, but don’t worry you stay in contact, Make sure you don’t go to the beach that week with your aunt, because that is when Whitney needs you the most, and you really need to be at home for her.

You meet Haley Green your sophomore year, you also let her go after she falls for Jordan, this time around, keep a hold on her because you don’t make many real friends in life, and she was one of them.

Also? The cute guy that you see in the basketball gym wearing that god awful crazy hat? This time do not go sit beside him and talk to him, don’t kiss him in the trainer room, and don’t make plans to see him, because you’ll end up falling for him only to find four years later he has cheated on you the entire time and it will drive you to make some really bad mistakes your freshman summer of college. Besides, his mother ends up not only hating you but talking a lot of shit about you behind your back, trust me honey, none of it was really worth it at all. Especially when five years down the road you find someone who is worth it.

Don’t let revenge take hold of your heart, because it will lead to some really bad decisions and it also builds a wall around your entire heart.

You will find that your heart lies within helping others, don’t let petty things stray you from this, stay strong in how you believe because this is what you were made to do, trust me, you are still doing it to this day.

This time though? Try not to allow your heart to get so emotionally involved in it that it drives you crazy, because I assure you, you are crazy and you need a psychiatrist at the level that you are on because you hold a lot of it in. Find someone you can talk to about it, that way it doesn’t fester.

Even though your entire family is against it, you end up making a huge difference in his life so go ahead and take that step even though it is hard, I promise that it is worth it in the end. I won’t say if you two end up together for good, but I will say that you leave such an imprint upon him and his family that it changes their entire life. They love you, and he really loves you so stop worrying about nonsense things, no one could ever touch his life like you are going to, and no one will ever influence his life and change him like you are going to, so take pride in that, love him strong, because in the end it does make a difference.

Don’t lose touch with your family, ever. Even when things get hard and hurtful things are said, and times grow tense, remember how you got to where you are, and who your support system was, and how family is what you always have, and learn to forgive and let go, you must do this or it will drive a black hole in your heart…

and do what you are doing kiddo, you’re okay, really you are. keep caring so hard, keep loving so passionately, keep applying yourself in EVERYTHING you can at Maryville College and being a Bonner, because it changes not only your life but other people’s lives.

and don’t push God away, because ultimately he is the one who brings you the inner peace that you needed all along.

and don’t ever grow hatred towards her, she doesn’t know any better she really doesn’t. Keep being nice and keep being the bigger person, I promise in the end it pays off.

Keep up the good work,

Love forever and always,

Future you.

Dear me,

every little thing is gonna be alright. it is his plan.

-Robby (in the voice of caitlin).

you are right, it is your life and you are entitled to your own opinion, life is how you create it though, I want you to realize this.

I want you to know you are worth it, please know that you are. I would also like for you to understand that life is worth it, that people are worth it, believe it or not, and that you really do control your life.

you can take a situation and turn it around, if not the entire situation then the way you view it or handle it.

I hope that one day you realize this, and I hope you don’t have to reach rock bottom in order to do so.

I get tired of hearing about your complaints, I get tired of being such a pushover to where I constantly run to help people, especially people who don’t really need it. You don’t know what struggling is, and maybe life has been hard, and maybe people handle situations differently and yes your problems do mean something but they do not mean that the end of your world is at the drop of your next tear. I wish you saw the lives that I see all the time. I wish you could have seen her face today, I wish you could have seen the way she walked, the way she moved her head, the way she was caged inside her own head.

These things break you as a person and show you what real problems, what real hurt looks like in this world. For some people, it thrives upon their compassion and brings a desire to help.

For some people it shows you to be thankful for what you do have.

The reason why you still complain is because you aren’t happy though, and I wish you knew that you didn’t have to do all of these things just to feel security.

you could really love. you could really do something you love, you have the world before you, and you even have people willing to help you.

hell, I am willing to help you,

but you don’t want help… you don’t want change…

it really is sad when havoc is what is wanted in someone’s life for completion. a constant argument. a constant battle.

and then you need a break because you are utterly stressed out, even though if you weren’t utterly stressed out you’d feel utterly out of place

and that is just utterly sad.

utterly so.

…..

I hope one day someone gives you the love that you deserve. I hope someone shows you the life that you deserve and you come out of your shell. Sweetheart you are beautiful and I am so incredibly sorry that life has been so unfair and cruel to you. I wish I could take it all away, erase it…all of it. I wish I could place my hands upon your head and break your walls, and take your pain. I would do it, in a heartbeat. I hope that you see how truly special you are, and that you take your life and make something of it, and maybe even be able to use your experience one day to help other children who will be hurting like you are now. Stay strong sweet girl, stay brave, stay courageous, and keep your head up because one day …one day, it will be okay.

love,

Caitlin

I have been rocking out to this hardcore today.

However, today has been splendid, bitterblissful sweetness.

I am done pretending
You have failed to find what’s left
I will suck you dry again
Some are not worth saving
You are such a pretty mess
I will choke the life within

Now you want to take me down
As if I even care
I am the monster in your head
And I thought you’d learn by now
It seems you haven’t yet
I am the venom in your skin
And now your life
Is broken

After the lights go out on you
After your worthless life is through
I will remember how you scream
I can’t afford to care
I can’t afford to care

I am suffocating
You have failed to pull me in
I will drag you down again
Life is unrelenting
Feeding lies into my head
I will feed the lies you live

Now you want to take me down
As if I even care
I am the monster in your head
And I thought you’d learn by now
It seems you haven’t yet
I am the venom in your skin
And now your life
Is broken

After the lights go out on you
After your worthless life is through
I will remember how you scream
I can’t afford to care
I can’t afford to care

I can’t afford to care
After the lights go out on you
After your worthless life is through
I will remember how you scream
I can’t afford to care
I can’t afford to care

I can’t afford to care