I’m on cloud nine.
I love the word infinite, I feel as though it is a word with so much depth to it, so much beauty, and such strength.
I was re-reading a note that I made at the end of last summer which included the people who helped me through a very hard time in my life, and I will reiterate again a thank you, very much indeed.
However, it has been a year and so much has changed. I am not as close to a lot of those people anymore, and some feel more like shadows to me, some I think about and shake my head because of how distant we are.
can I say that at least…at least I can honestly, 100 percent say I never and have never said a bad thing about you, and yet out of everyone I feel I was the one pushed away.
now when I hear people talk about you, I just shake my head.
I never even think to tell you. people will be people anyways, and I still love you, so you keep doing you and forget everyone else.
you know I’m such a fool for you, you’ve got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger.
sitting here right now though I feel much contentment. I have to accept that things change, people come and people go, and closet doors are opened and true colors are ripped from the gray areas and black becomes white and apparently white is absence of color.
so are we absent? and if so does that mean we technically don’t exist?
“we are more of a peach color….some are orange”
I am even content as I sit here knowing that this year will be many changes as well, tomorrow I might be afraid of those changes but right now I have already accepted that change happens and you just move along with all the other seashells drifting in the waves, sometimes we are on the beach for a long time, other times we are there for mere seconds before we are carried back to sea.
arggg matey, I miss my little pirate.
but the thought of it leads me to temptation.
I would love the feeling of sand crunched beneath my feet and my face in the breeze under a palm tree. I’d hitch up a tent and just live there. by myself, yes that would be mighty fine.
so if you can reach out to me …sing a song across the sea…
so come. take me away. I’m not afraid of you right now, I’m truly not. I’m okay with my life not turning out how I might want it to tomorrow, or the next day, or even yesterday, because whatever happens happens and whatever will be, will be, and really what more can we do than just accept what is, is?
My life has been glorious up to this point, I cannot complain, truly. I have lived more than I have learned but I have learned more than I have hurt.
I feel infinite.
we are infinite.
I am ready for another life changing experience with Maryville College.
I am ready for another roller coaster ride
if you pick me up, place me right back down.
I don’t want my shell in the hands of anyone. I want to be a drifter in the warmth of the waves.
you really had me going, wishing on a star, ….I believed in your confusion. must have been that yesterday, was the day that I was born. not much too examine, not much left to hide…cause I am barely breathing, and I can’t find the air.
I see mothers in and out walk through my doors, and I just wish they all viewed motherhood as this. This woman is from Australia and if I am correct she is only 21, and I follow her on my private blog, sometimes I read her stuff and just shake my head. I hope to be the mother she is one day.
Sometimes, at night when my baby is sound asleep I go in and pick him up. He is so warm, all bundled up and safe…
I hold him to my chest and cry. I let the tears roll down my cheeks onto his blanket. Because he is so beautiful, and the way I love him is infinite. It’s too much. It’s a real rush of emotion and power I lose myself in the moment. It’s just him and I, in the dark alone. It is compelling, and surreal.
That I had a baby, and he is my flesh. It makes my stomach lurch upwards at the thought of anything bad happening to him. A white hot panic fills me when I imagine him hurting or being sick.
Nothing could possibly compare to this. Nobody nor a thousand words could explain the love that lingers between mother and child. I will be forever trying to find the right words to replicate how it feels. But it is an impossible task. Everyday I will revel and bask in the feeling, its like sunshine on skin after a long and cold winter.
You don’t really live the same after having a baby. It’s like, you were living in the dark and someone drew back the curtains. Everything is so much brighter, vibrant and so much more terrifying.
You have more to lose, yet the daily tasks you accomplish are by far more rewarding. You will learn to love the world again. You will stop and breathe, and count clouds. You will find your creative self. In every aspect imaginable.
You simultaneously become the student and teacher. You will open up, and find such tender places but also the most protective beast within.
Motherhood, is spectacular.
I knew that volunteering at Haven House would ultimately, change my life.
More than the time I stepped into Florence Crittenton and the small boy offered me his only superman action figure.
I knew after that encounter I would spend the remainder of my life attempting to make a difference, showing that I cared, and being a voice for those who could not speak or were too afraid to speak.
so I am a little emotional right now I’m a little pumped right now I’m a little on fire. yes, you are right, I am crazy. I am crazy for change. I am crazy for the children because I am so incredibly sick and tired and disgusted and saddened by the reality that children live on a daily basis.
so I took the training today on sexual abuse. Thank you nice lady from the Child Advocacy Center, I will be looking more into your services and will probably be interested in volunteering there very soon, because we all know how much time I have. Either way, you are making differences.
So I have chosen to be loud. everyone hushes sexual abuse and for what reason? fear. we are all afraid of the monsters under our bed, so instead of bringing into light their existence, we would much rather hide under our blankets and not ask mommy and daddy to check under that dark scary place for us.
children are afraid to talk. Why? simple. because of us. it is our faults. it is parent’s faults. are you letting your kids know that if they are uncomfortable they can say no? are you telling them the places that other people shouldn’t touch?
I learned today it is never to early to start. two…three…four…ten…
children should know these things. they should know that no matter what they can confide in you and trust you and that you are their protector. why is it that parent’s can’t be protector’s to their children anymore? has the world grown that selfish?
we have to stop this. we have to show children what is right and what is wrong and we all have personal bubbles and it is okay to say NO. we are always led to believe that adults know all…
well, news flash, some adults are bad news, and we have to let our children know that. we have to let ALL children know that.
I suggest everyone get updated on the signs of sexual abuse, you’d be surprised how many people you can pinpoint to the symptoms.
and you can’t just give excuses… “well..nightmares are normal…” this is normal and this could be the cause of that and that might likely possibly be the cause of this.
shut the hell up because you don’t know.
so instead? call it in. REPORT IT and let the professionals figure it out.
it’s the least you could do. and maybe the kid is fine, then great… but maybe the kid isn’t, and you could be saving their life.
there is my rant. I feel like flying all over the world and saving all of you all in one day.
but instead I will patiently wait and help the children that I come into contact with every day.
I believe you,
you can trust me.
I love you, all.
it isn’t that you did what you did. No, you see, no one is perfect, especially not myself and I understand the entire “live for the moment and the moment is oh so incredibly delicious that if you do not just simply taste it your mouth will bubble over from all the watering.” yes, I know those moments. But you knew, stepping into that relationship that you weren’t over him. you knew, because you kept telling yourself you were. that is the number one indicator, my friend. What I am trying to tell you is to slow down. I know we aren’t close anymore, and I believe that is the way things just need to be, for now. However, take it slow. sometimes it takes a long time to get over someone like that. don’t rush it, because then you’ll end up like these people out here, that I know, that have someone they will never truly love. not the real love. not the fairytale love…because they aren’t getting all of your heart. you have to completely let go before you can completely hold on…to, something else.
no one is perfect and we are all at the same fork in the road.
let’s try a different path, shall we?
you say you will never settle again, and then you say you aren’t sure anymore. I don’t know your life, I don’t know what kind of love you’re living.
I do however know that if it is that indescribable feeling where you just simply can’t get enough. you want more. more. more, and just before you think you have all that you want, you still come up short because there is so much more you want. you want to be wrapped up in it. in him. in everything. that untouchable feeling where no matter what you are doing, where you are, as long as he is there you feel complete, and it isn’t that you aren’t complete when he isn’t there…but you can feel that pull because he is however far away and it is as though your souls are reaching out to each other.
the caught glimpses from across the room, or just across the couch. when you catch them admiring you, that is my favorite. Or when you walk by and they can’t help but touch you, they can’t help but reach out…YOU can’t help but reach out.
when you know that no matter what life throws at you… have it be money issues, time issues, crazy girl issues, crazy boy issues, distance issues, when you just know that none of it will matter, that no matter how hard it is going to be, or could possibly get you don’t even care. you just don’t. because you have that love.
sweetheart, you have to hold on to something like that. you have to…because so many people lose sight of what is real. no one knows anymore because like I say so many times, everyone has gotten so incredibly used to settling. Marriage for just money, for just the title, for security, to get over someone….
all the wrong reasons… and they may find happiness, happiness isn’t far… but they won’t find it like us…
if you hold on to what you know is true, and real, and magical. yes, magical.
and I’ll trace the edges of your hand and kiss the tips of your fingertips, I’ll catch you staring and pretend it bothers me all the while goosebumps decorate my flesh and butterflies flutter in my stomach, and you’ll kiss my cheek as your arms wrap around my entire body, enveloping all of me until I am smothered and I hear the words…oh the sweet sweet words…
I love you so much…so so much caitlin.
being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional.
when it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. if they care enough to bother with what I do, than I’m already better than them.
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. this is to have succeeded.
we’re all human aren’t we? every human life is is worth the same, and worth saving.
if you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so that I never have to live without you.
learn to value you yourself, which means. learn to fight for your happiness.
if the whole world put their problems in a pile, you’d be so happy to take yours back.
life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
how many times can a man turn his head and pretend he just doesn’t see?
I have three things I’d like to say today. first, while you were sleeping last night 30,000 kids died last night. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. what’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30000 kids died last night.
I’ll try to love you.
sometimes it’s just enough to know you made some kind of a difference. even just a small one. in moments like these I remember DNOW back when I was a freshman in college. Abbey. I’ll never forget that shinning face that held tears as I held her hands and told her how gorgeous she was and how God had such an amazing plan for her in his life. I’ll never forget holding her as her tiny body quivered with the beautiful tears strolling down her face. She still sends me text messages with bible verses and tells me when she struggles and how she cooperates with them with God by her side.
all I did was tell her she was gorgeous and tell her how He had a plan for her.
I think of Loren and the impressions I have had on her that I never even realized I had. her newly found taste in music, taste in clothes at one point, and even in vocabulary and her new want to spell words correctly (biggest pet peeve honestly)
but you will be safe in my arms. castles, they might crumble. dreams may not come true. but you are never all alone, because I will always…always love you.
you never know what could impact someone’s life. if you just randomly wave at someone in the next car, you never know if that truly did just save their life. If you just give a smile, share a hug, you never know what someone is going through and how much you might have just helped them.
you know. when things get really frustrating. when I sit in the middle of nature laying on my back listening to the breeze and watching the faeries dance around me, wondering if I can do this. because I won’t lie, it gets hard, and there are times where I don’t know what I’m doing. or when school gets too hard, or when home gets too hard,
I just breathe and remember why I’m here. I’m here to make these small differences and impacts on people’s lives. I’m here to one day, one day, be out there, saving the world. one child at a time. one person at a time. that is all that truly matters in this world and I have to remember that. I have to. if I don’t, I will lose sight and I can see myself making mistakes when I lose sight. I won’t lose sight. I will accomplish this, for I have come too hard not to accomplish this.
hold on tight, the world is burning down. she’s out there on her own and she’s alright. sunny came home.
I also have to remember not to let petty things get to me. I have to remember that not every person had the luxury of having the amazing mother that I did. the amazing family that I did, the mother who taught me to always love everyone, and that everyone was on equal playing fields. the mother who made me do my very best in school so that I could work hard and make my way fully into such a complicated school, where I try to grow with this big word with more meaning, called, intelligence. you’re crazy mom, but thank you.
I have to remember that not everyone had the friends I had, have. and that sometimes they really just can’t help it.
but…I also can’t allow people to run over me. I also have to realize that sometimes enough is enough and people have to learn to change for themselves, and even if they didn’t have my luxuries, they’ve been through enough to learn and grow on their own, but whether or not they did…is up to them.
everyone is different. we all have different feet, which entitles different shoes.
which means we all have the capabilities of making different impacts on other people.
I just want to know that I brought a smile or a spark of light, to someone’s life.
and the truth is people amaze me, but what can you do? I have to keep a hold on myself and remember that I only account for MY own life, not the life of someone else.
not the life of someone who says one thing and whose actions prove the complete other.
my business? no..but I wouldn’t be human if I said it didn’t irritate me just a little. just a little though, because I am a firm believer in Karma, and regardless, real happiness can’t just be made up with a bunch of words. you can believe something in your heart of hearts…doesn’t make it real. You can repeat “I’m okay I’m okay” a thousand times…doesn’t mean you are truly okay. you can lie to yourself all you want. I know. I’ve been there, but in the end your actions only show that you weren’t okay. that you needed help, and you tend to find youself in much more of a bigger mess than you were in back when you were rocking yourself back and forth repeating the same words hoping your mind would soon believe you.
there are all kinds of people in this world. people who lie to themselves, and have a hard time matching words with actions to their puzzles that will never be finished. Then there are people who are just down right bullies and try to make you believe their own lie.
*pretty pretty please…don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less than fucking perfect. pretty pretty please if you ever feel like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me.*
just because you don’t know who you are. just because you have low self esteem issues. just because you don’t have any real friends. Just because you are effed up in the head.
doesn’t mean you try to bring others down with you.
why do people do that? because their worlds are corrupt they enjoy corrupting the worlds of others and it is just sickening.
and here’s an easier word… sad.
I have moments where I think of all the people that make up the surroundings which involve myself.
the girls who never knew how to leave the drama in high school.
the boys who keep relishing in their highschool glories, so that they can’t do anything worthy with their futures.
the people who never grow up and expect everyone to do everything for them.
the people who enjoy hurting others because they are hurting themselves.
I guess this is where I say thank you to the people I have in my life who are real, and who I do love so incredibly much.
you are my bestfriend and I am sorry for hurting you, I will make up for it if it is the last thing I do. I won’t let them tear you down anymore.
you’re crazy, but your passion is unlike any other. we aren’t ever going to agree on everything, but you’re right, I was raised…and turned out this way for that reason.
you spit when you get really really heated and you kick me out of the house…but you’re you. 100 percent, and it is very rare to find that. you’re a gem, and I want a man to love me as much as you love her, one day.
you have become a part of my family and you’re loud like me, you like to talk like me, and I am always greeted with a what do you know, but your heart and your beliefs deserve to be recognized much more than they are, and from one naive person to another, it really is okay to believe in people. someone has to.
joking around with you is my favorite, and I feel like out of everyone, your acceptance was going to be the hardest, and the mere fact that I have it makes me feel like I’m on top of the world…even though I get brought down a few times here and there, our talks mean the most because you’re right, you have to clap for the good times instead of always reminiscing on the bad ones. I hope you know I always have your back.
one of my new goals in life is to buy you a house by the ocean, just to thank you for continuing to believe in him. just to thank you for all your second chances, and your love, and your patience. I have learned so much about patience from you already and I love listening to your stories about older times, and I wish times were still like that…oh how I wish…I love you, so much.
I love you all, so much.
thank you for stepping back into my life and I won’t write too much, for you know. but don’t walk away. don’t get comfortable again in the life you once lived and forget about me. stay here. let me help. let me show you what a real friend is. stay my bestfriend until we die, please.
for someone who doesn’t like to dance, dancing with you is one of my favorite things to do. There are many times where I get lost, but dancing with you is at the top of the list. doesn’t matter where we are, everything is blocked out as I see you and only you. you’ve reopened that fairytale kinda love for me, and you’ve treated me so incredibly well, the look in your eyes, is enough. I love you.
the world as I see it:
“let’s go look for faeries.” imagination is key and so many tend to lose sight of that. That, being the innocence that every one of us had sometime in our childhood. That innocence of digging for worms. looking for lightning bugs, only knowing that they truly are faeries. laying in a hammock as you are surrounded by dozens of fireflies, which are also, faeries. believing in guardian angels. looking at all people like they are, people. This is how I see the world.
“this is absurd, he is just a dog”
“just a dog?…just”
…”Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he’s just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That’s like saying, “He can’t climb that mountain, he’s just a man”, or “That’s not a diamond, it’s just a rock.” Just.”
finding neverland. we were watching it the other night and I was once again reminded of why I love children so much and spend most of my time with them.
the world as it truly is:
wars that shouldn’t even be fought. people not home with their families. children starving every night. children not getting the medical attention they need. mother’s not knowing how to grow up and be mothers. fathers choosing alcohol and drugs over their children.
and the simple things? what do we care about? drama. being two faced. acting like we like this person, and then running and saying whatever we please about them behind their backs.
anything to gain an ear though eh?
and here we sit with ridiculous things such as facebook. how many friends on there do you truly trust? now…how many are on there that honestly…deep down hate you, and the only reason they keep sending you friend request after friend request even though you deleted them once for a reason..or twice… is because they are that caught up in the drama.
instead of seeing the bigger picture we would rather act like we are in middle school.
rolling eyes, constantly looking for reasons to hate people we are jealous of.
it is truly absurd.
The world as it should be:
“one of these days you are going to graduate from maryville college, and you are going to come help me save the world. we will feed all the hungry children and comfort the homeless. sound like a plan?”
“sounds like a plan!”
so incredibly fed up with the necessities of others. school needs to start back just so I can once again be surrounded by people who care.
I am very discouraged right now.
I believe in this generation. I don’t believe that we take the bible and interpret it in our own way…but honestly…isn’t that what has been done since the existence of the bible? passed through hands and hands and hands of generations? I think this generation is the one who finally understands. It is about the people…ALL people…not just people we find fit in with the easy way of understanding that our brains can wrap around. I believe we finally understand that it is about helping all people, and loving all people.
I believe in the innocence. I think it is sad that a three year old lost their innocence at…well, three. you should hang on to that innocence for as long as you can muster. it is that innocence that helps us see all people as the same, and don’t conjure up feelings of hatred. I believe that the essence of children is simply bliss, and I would rather spend my day with 10 children over one adult.
However; I believe in growing up. I believe that we can not stay children forever. we can not just expect things to be handed to us, and if we make mistakes I believe in owning up to them. If you were big enough to make the mistake, be big enough to accept the mistake and own up to it. You can’t always expect everyone else to fix your problems, and crying should not get you out of any situation.
I believe in everyone. I believe everyone has the ability to change and be better, if they wish to. if you wish to succeed I believe that you will. I do not believe that “once trash always trash” or “once a whore, always a whore” I believe that anyone can change.
I believe in the crazy love. the crazy love where you can’t go ten seconds without touching them. thinking about them. needing them. wanting them. that passionate craze and desire that the entire world lusts after but no one can seem to find. maybe it is because you are looking in the wrong places.
I believe that the world truly isn’t fair, but that saying “that’s just the way the world is” just doesn’t make it better. When a father abuses a child and then turns it around on the mother, so that the mother only gets to see him under supervision…that is not okay. when a stepmother butts in and decides to take a little boy away from their real mother, and somehow gets away with that in the court…that is not okay. when children starve. get sold. women are abused. I believe that trying to do something is better than the statement “that’s just the way the world is” I suppose I’ll go down fighting then.
I believe you can think you know someone your entire life, and then when life changes, and you are thrown through an obstacle, and their true colors show…you can be really surprised with the results, and come to find out you never actually knew them to begin with…but then again… they never truly knew you.
I believe Jesus places us in situations for a reason. he only gives us what we can handle; however, some people are stronger than others and get placed in situations because they can handle them…sometimes, though, we are blind and think we can handle things, and I believe God snaps us back into reality.
I believe family should always support you, especially if it is something you believe in, or makes you happy.
I believe gossip is only this bad in maryville. I really don’t like it here, at all.
I believe boredom causes a lot of problems. look at your problems, tell me they didn’t stem from someone being bored.
I believe we spend too much on clothes and food. if they can make it on rags and bread, why can’t we? and put our money towards those with less than rags.
I believe facebook is the devil.
I believe the real friends are the ones you can call up at anytime, no matter how long it has been…and they are there.
I believe in faeries. I believe in the sixth sense, and I believe there are parts of our minds that we can’t tap into because we fear what we do not know, and there is so much mind capacity that isn’t used and that could blow our minds if we ever figured out how to use it
I believe in you.
I believe God works in mysterious ways, and I pray for you daily. he will come home to you.
I believe the world is too stressed out, and I believe this is because we lose sight in the little things, and worry too much about the big things. simplicity doesn’t have to be so negative.
I believe in shooting stars, sleepless nights, and dancing as a cure.
I believe in different worlds, inside a book, and fairytales.
for right now, this, I believe.
and you are my swingset pal.
take my hand take my hand.
smile, I see that tree over there at the far left.
running, catch my breath I taste water on my lip
falling, down the hill as I hear your laughter sway
all around my body, there’s your arms, don’t ever go away.
you look me in the eye, I look up into the sky
the stars they shine so bright
I am not frightened by what you said
beautiful, they are. so tiny and so small.
but in reality they are so much more. so much bigger.
shooting star across the sky and the words of the promise
I am not afraid.
twinkle twinkle goes the little star
I’m glad to know I’ll never wonder where you are.
that we don’t wanna fight no more, there’ll be no more wars, and our children will play. one day.
we sat and talked today, crazy how things can just pick right back up where they left off as though nothing ever happened. as though time just stood still until we reunited. but I suppose when you are as close as we are…when you know every little detail about a person… than you are able to do that.
I don’t have anyone in my life who has been there through everything like you have, and it actually hit me that out of all your friends I am the one who has been there the longest. not to brag, but…yeah… can’t touch this.
Thinking about all of today and all the crap I realize that people have a way where they fool themselves.
such as fooling ourselves to think we are some cold individual, when really we just fear rejection so we reject them before they can reject us.
or even that we are okay, when in all actuality we just type it in a blog post because if other people can believe it, maybe we can too.
I really believe the people you hang out with are the ones that influence you the most.
you go from extremely preppy to hippie in a matter of months, that happened because of your friends, not because of you. think about it.
or you go from being really pessimistic to optimistic, or vise versa.
we truly are who we hang out with.
I say “no bueno” even though I never even took spanish.
I even picked up the word FACT from someone last summer; however, most people who know me associate that word with me.
or, “IT EATS THE FOOD…IT GETS IN THE CAR…IT GIVES ME A KISS”
we are all just a huge reflection…of…well, ourselves.
with that being said, sometimes you have to see who is good for you and who is bad for you, and I am happy with the results I have come up with.
I am so glad to have you back.
I am really sorry you think you had that right, but you fall very short of looking in the mirror. you have no one fooled but yourself, and that, my dearest friend, is truly sad.
I feel like all of my dearest friends from last summer are calling me…or coming to me…telling me how fake or ridiculous the people they have hung out with this summer, and I just wish you both would have stayed with me. I wish this summer could have involved us three…. and I know you both have enjoyed summer, and I am not dissing on those people.
will I say my people and gang are better? hell yes.
but I won’t go as far as to say that your summer was a waste.
maybe just not as enjoyable as it would have been if we were closer.
what is it within us that seeks change?
what does it matter if our actions never check the mate and knock them off the board?