latidacaitlin

What is something new that I have recently learned about myself?

well, I would say that it is the fact that I have more patience than I ever truly thought I had. throughout everything that has been sprung on me in the past year I would say that my actions, thoughts, and just all out life has been a roller coaster.

the scary upside down ones where you are standing up wondering why the hell you stood in line to shit your pants, yeah, that one.

regardless, just like any roller coaster you ride, at the end you are proud of yourself for being brave and you even say “let’s do that again” even if you don’t really mean it, you just want to sound like a billy badass to the person getting out beside you with a little bit of chin dribble on their shirt.

I have always said patience hasn’t been my thing. If you ever have had the luxury of being in the car with me, or seeing me drive, you would probably agree with this statement. or if you have ever seen me in walmart or target, by myself, mind you, I am constantly walking, running it feels like, to get my stuff and get out.

I always feel like I am rushed, but honestly that is just the way a busy person’s life is, and that is how I like it.

however; today I really got to thinking, and I am much more patient than I give myself credit for. with everything that I have been faced with in the past few months even, I have been able to take a breath, look at everything, and just simply be okay.

I can say I am chill. I can’t say that I am completely okay, but who, out of everyone in the world, is truly okay…all the time, anyways.

I was mad today. I was mad and I shouldn’t have been. not because I didn’t have a reason to be mad, because regardless, I did. not because I should have been suspicious, because, I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have been mad because it is silly, really. I gave in to the highschool drama by even allowing such a less than mediocre thing to impede my thoughts. I did everything in my willpower to not think of it. and in the moments of singing as loud as I could in the car with Loren, and in the moments of working out and sweating more than I have in the sun…I felt amazing. truly amazing, and that is when I realized how absurd I was. absurd because I am so much better than that. and by that I just simply mean the absurdity of letting someone affect my mood.

so you may be right. I may be naive, and you may really mean it when you say you just don’t want to see your friend get their heart trampled on… and I may be a silly girl who needs to “grow a pair”

but honestly? what is the point? in the end, whatever happens happens. there is not one thing we can do to change that. I can’t demand someone to be in my life, and I won’t do it. if such person wants to be in my life, than they will stay.

this goes for all people.

you constantly talk about “doing you” well, I want to do me, I want to not give a shit, and honestly? right now? I can say I don’t. Please don’t confuse this with the cold caitlin because that just isn’t the case.

no, this would happen to be the cocky caitlin that knows shes worth keeping in your life, whoever you wish to be. this is the caitlin who has no reason to feel any feelings of jealousy or mistrust, or worry or anything.

because? life is life. people are people. people do what they want, and in the end? I am okay. always will be, as long as I am out there doing what I do best, which is saving the world.

yeah. I’m as chill as they come.

you can say eff you to relationships

and he can do whatever he wants

and she can be as dumb as she wants

and she can play her games

and you can call me a coward

I don’t think I am a coward. I don’t fear being mean. I don’t fear being a bitch. I just don’t want to deal with it. It is, like I have said a hundred times now, pointless, and there is so much more in the world than useless drama.

I am so incredibly much more better than that.

the people that matter, not only know this? but are the ones who are here.

remember that.

I should never be left alone with my mind for too long. -Libba Bray.

I should get that tattooed on my forehead.

I think too much. sometimes I get on a rant and I won’t shut up. This is normally directed towards the parents that aren’t worthy of their children. the ones who prefer the drugs, the alcohol, who abuse, sexually, physically, mentally, all of it. Or how kids go hungry, don’t have places to sleep, eat out of trashcans, and the such.

but of course… the answer to all of this is, “oh Caitlin, that’s just how the world is”

and I am supposed to be okay with “not being able to change that” see? there I go, already ranting.

okay, so I think too much. and I am an extremist, and I know you’re thinking, “of course you are, you’re a woman”

eh-in a lot of ways I suppose you are right, but in a lot of other ways more than the ways of being a woman, normality isn’t THIS extreme.

people think eminem is crazy, or if you wear a religious belt, maybe he is satan.

I call him an extremist.

he is extreme in everything, at least in concerns to his music, for it is not like I know eminem personally.

maybe I can email him and we can go get tea and he can give me some pointers.

“I am a jumble of passions, misgivings, and wants”

these are potential tattoos by the way.

I am a very passionate person and I feel this is my biggest downfall.

why can’t I just be passionate for the things that makes sense?

no, I have to be passionate until the passion reaches the bowl overflowing with trix and rainbow milk, oh wait, that is fruity pebbles, which makes more sense anyways… and then it turns into caring so much.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

…when working with battered children and battered people in general you are supposed to be detached so that you can give them sound help…

no, news broadcaster, I did not know that.

okay, lies, maybe I did know that, but just because you know something does not make it quite relevant to if you abide by it or not.

here is my broadcast, I can’t be heartless.

I wish I could. I wish I didn’t have a caring bone in my body. I wish it was all about me me me, and that I could be detached, and help them and not let it affect ….well…my entire life.

but I can’t.

So my apologies for being crazy. my apologies for thinking too much. my apologies for having problems with trust because my definition of love was corrupted, my apologies for being ridiculous and going from one extreme to the next, my apologies for needing to take a drive every once in awhile, and for not coming completely out and letting everything off my chest, and for bottling it in because I feel there are more problems bigger in the world than my tiny ones made up in my head, I’m sorry for loving so hard, caring so much, and if it is ever unbearable. I am sorry for being down and being depressed when I get off work on Saturdays or whenever I am done volunteering during the week. I am sorry that I cannot be detached, and in the end it will result in my losing of my sanity.

but hey…at least I can point out my own flaws right? at least I can look in the mirror…and isn’t that what they say the hardest thing to do is? point out our own flaws?

I don’t eat right. I don’t run as much as I should. I don’t clean my room as much as I should. I have a stolen sign in my room. I have a book labeled diary of a sex fiend because it intrigues me. I don’t like girls and when they only send me friend requests to spy on me, i am happy, good day to you. I do get more upset than I should over stupid girls, but I just don’t like games and I just want to be left alone. I do say words that aren’t always appropriate, even though I look at it differently. I do judge sexual abusers, even though I try not too, they are the people I just can’t simply even try to understand. I say things I don’t mean when I am very upset, and I have been known to try and cut people down even though it has been awhile since I have done so. I also let my flesh get the best of me.

but at the end of the day, I can say I am me. still caitlin.

“I know this is what she wants— to be needed. It is her charge. It is her place. She has found it. Or it has found her”

“But aren’t many gardens beautiful because they are imperfect?”

“I do not want to pass the time. I want to grab hold of it and leave my mark upon the world”

“I’m like everyone else in this stupid, bloody, amazing world. I’m flawed. Impossibly so. But hopeful. I’m still me”

why do we constantly try to make something work that just doesn’t really matter?

don’t get me wrong, for those of you who have someone and it just genuinely and truly works, I am more than happy for you.

I am a constant believer in what mom and mike have. yeah they are crazy. they get loud. they scream, they bicker.

but it is all because of the passion. and they choose to be this way. they choose to love this hard, fight this hard. BE this fiercely in love with each other, and honestly? who is anyone else to judge a hand?

look around you.

how many times have you changed yourself. have it be your hair, your weight, your clothes, your makeup, anything. for that other person?

and what does it do in the end? in the end looks are only skin deep, and isn’t it supposed to be what is inside that truly matters?

only that isn’t reality. that is only what movies depict.

NO WAIT! allow me to rephrase that. movies depict that the most attractive people on the inside ARE the most attractive people on the outside as well.

funny huh?

and people sit and shake their heads at me because I have a problem.

do I truly have a problem? or am I just smart for seeing through all of the effing bull shit?

maybe I am not as naive as my mother thinks.

if they don’t like you for your smile. if they don’t like you for your messed up hair and your sweaty face after a night of fun. if they don’t like you for your basketball shorts. your freckles. your blemishes. your shit. your small ass. your huge ass. your small tits. your huge tits.

basically…if they don’t like you for just simply being you without the money placed in behind it, than do they really deserve you? are they really worth your time?

sad that you can’t just find someone out there who loves you for you.

because let me assure you, if it is the looks right now? there is always someone that looks better.

until that person, like Mike Curl comes along and notices NO other woman. because his woman IS the most gorgeous in the world, and no other woman is in EXISTENCE that could even COMPARE to her.

we keep getting the world backwards.

sad. very sad.

we all want a Willy.

and I do not mean as in someone who will follow us around because they feel as though that as long as they can be near us they can be happy. Stalking someone may be romantic in its own way but that is just not simply what I mean.

I mean that fairy tale love. that love that no one ever seems to grasp the concept of anymore. Why don’t we like chick flicks? it is because we automatically label them as fictitious and put them on our “most unlikely to ever happen in reality” list and let it be done.

why do we constantly take away from our own happiness? why can’t we have a fairy tale? why can’t love just be enough? why couldn’t the beatles have been right?

Maybe I want a guy that is in so much love with me that he notices I wear green more than any other color, so he knows my favorite color must be green.

the little things. I believe love lies in the little things.

like how he has seven freckles on one arm.

or kissing his fingertips. one, two, three, four, thumb, and then gently placing a kiss in the center of his palm, just to show you appreciate the simplicity that a kiss has to offer.

or laying in the middle of the grass just looking up at the stars.

but that is seen as mushy and ridiculous.

instead we would rather just go to the movies, hold hands, laugh a little, and then go home.

I am not saying going to the movies is bad. I am saying what happened to imagination?

what happened to the kid love? where we chased, and were chased on the playground by the person that we liked, or that liked us.

that innocent childlike love where no matter what we go through it is okay because at the end of the day we are so incredibly in love it makes it okay.

I need to believe that this exists. I want a Willy. why does the world always have to say “everything just isn’t a fairy tale, now grow up…the world isn’t fair…the real world is ugly and hard”

STOP TELLING ME THAT.

the world is what I make of it. and if I want lollipops and chocolate gummy bears, than that is what I will make for myself.

yes we can’t control everything, and yes even Willy had to face reality, but that doesn’t mean we have to give this world everything.

we don’t have to let the world define love and pick who we should love

we should love who we are meant to love, and only WE know who we are meant to love.

I need to believe that I won’t end up in a mediocre relationship where I just settled because the “world” took all of my sparkle from my eye.

I need to believe there are people like Willy out there, even though he is just another character in another movie.

because he is right, it isn’t what is real, but what we choose to be real.

it is our reality.

so long live the faeries, and unicorns, and balloons with jello.

I want to dance in the faerie forest and sip tree tea

and I don’t want the “real world” to bog me down.

I won’t wait for forever,

I am Willy, and I will marry someone who loves me so much that they notice the little things I do. they notice what makes me happy, what makes me sad. they notice that I have a weird birth mark thing that appears only in the summer. they will notice where my freckles are and how many I have. they will know me. not because they asked me 20 questions, but because they stare at me when no one else notices.

because they take the time to genuinely know me, because they are in THAT much love with me.

thank you, Willy.

I won’t lie, it kind of bothers me to use aint, however who am I to argue with Alicia Keys?

I apologized to you for being wishy washy. You can’t be like that in any kind of relationship because it is not fair to that person, with that being said this is kind of going to be like a mind release, or how whitney would describe, a word vomit.

so I’ll call it thought throw up. “th” gotta love it.

I have emotional issues, and that is an issue that is just me, I have no one to blame that on but, well, just me.

No, I do not believe in crying, and unless you are very very very close to me, such as mom mike and Loren, maybe not even Loren all that much, then you will never receive this luxury.

I really do think you are a bit trashy, but honestly I think it is because deep down you have extremely low self esteem, and that still bewilders me darling.

I have a phobia when it comes to hearing her name, but only because I used to have a becca phobia.

the reason why I am so terrified is because not only did it happen once, but he redefined the definition of love to me, and hopefully that can be redefined again.

you are doing such a great job, please know that.

I believe you might try looking in the mirror for once instead of constantly blaming everyone else, you sweetheart, are the problem.

I am still waiting for your judgmental heart to grow into acceptance. I want him to see how amazing you are.

love IS sacrifice, and I hope you know that I would do anything for you all.

yes, most wife beaters are men of the lord, men of the bible, those we call preachers, kind of weird huh?

I need to take a night time run again. I miss the coolness that surrounds me and with every in goes the newness and with every out goes the shit.

we will never be the kind of friends you want to be, but that is your fault, for once, and not my own.

I have tried fixing things too, it just can’t. I’m sorry.

I don’t think about you anymore.

I won’t let things get old.

I believe that true love lasts forever, people just forget what true love is.

stop making marriage into a joke. you are making it look bad for those people out there who keep it sacred and marry for the RIGHT reasons.

I am here to tell you that a temporary fix is just what it is…a temporary fix.

one day he will see through you, I pray for you because that day will be painful.

the truth always comes out, I’m sorry, but it does.

you will never be happy, and that hurts me for you.

you really did make enemies with the wrong person. I can ruin your life. I’m sorry.

I don’t want to be friends with you ever again, I just really don’t. and I am not sorry honestly.

lets recreate our beach trip, only with us three…okay?

I am going to build a hot air balloon, and you and me, and he, are going to get in it, and fly away to an island, and we will bring wilson.

you get what you give. remember that.

there is a such thing as loving someone too much, and it only grows.

I am very highly crazy and my mind is constantly always going and that is why I have to take a few minutes to register what is going on because if I do not I will make an irrational and rash decision, and when I get nervous I talk too much, but I listen more than I talk. my biggest flaw is probably that I want to save the world, because I am learning that with each person I try to save, I see that I can’t save them all, and that hurts me and I believe it is rooting psychological issues within me and that is kind of scary, but I know this is where I am supposed to be, and this is what I am supposed to be doing. children are my life, and so are their smiles.

I don’t like shoes, I can wear a bandana anywhere, and sometimes I look like a hobo.

but I find my happiness from the happiness of others, so I believe I got something right along the way.

I don’t believe in fighting, but I believe one good punch in your face might do you some good, child.

I can’t help you understand the way things work, because, ultimately, I do not know how they work myself. What I do know is that everything happens for a reason, in my opinion, and the whole concept of God is based upon faith. I do know that nothing makes sense and that yes people die, but kids lay their heads down at night hungry. fathers lose their sons, mothers lose their sanity as their husbands constantly abuse their so called love, and people are still sold for sexual and even other desires for other people’s so called needs, and yet we always wonder where is God? Here is where I stand that tends to be a bit different, who are we to question him? He knows what he is doing, and he is not the one who causes the suffering, he places a hand where it needs to be placed, and there are too many miracles that he brings forth everyday to just simply give up after the death of someone that you prayed for and wanted to live.

Do you realize how many people see other people die everyday? What about doctors? Firefighters? the people who go into homes empty handed and walk out with a body of a mother, a son, a daughter.

and what if we all just threw up our hands over things that didn’t go the way we wanted them to? where would the world be then? is it getting worse, of course, but that was predicted, however; it is the faith and the trust and the knowledge that HE does have everything in the palms of his hands that keep those of use trekking behind him to continue to do so.

Sometimes it is hard for us to see the bigger picture, what if the person you pulled out of the water was to show you three how precious life is? how it can be taken so fast that you should be out there getting the word out and living for HIM so that you can show others the peace that keeps us going?

there are too many miracles everyday that prove he is out there. you can’t call everything fate, I am sorry, in my opinion you can’t. mike’s sister didn’t come back to life after a prayer because of fate. the child at the top of that mountain that was delivered and had been dead for six hours, and had a broken hip where the traveling nurse had to break it to get the child from the womb….that child didn’t come back to life in the missionaries hands because of fate.

people don’t get healed from cancer because of fate.

we sit and complain about not seeing miracles such as walking on water, and yet when something THAT extraordinary happens, we dismiss it saying, “stuff like that doesn’t happen” and we constantly want to explain things with science, and I am sorry people, but you know. you may turn your heads from it, wave an angry finger at God because it is so much easier to do that then to feel guilty.

it is. I know it is.

I have gone off on a tangent and I am not trying to. I respect everyone for his or her beliefs. I have agnostic friends, jewish friends, atheist friends, and those baptists that everyone loves to have in the ears…(sarcasm). I do not label myself as baptist, sorry southerners but you drive me crazy with how incredibly judgmental you are and how you point the finger everywhere except the one place you should, the mirror. I label myself as Jesus’ homie, as cheesy as it is, it is true. I follow him. not a church. not any other kind of label, just him. I love everyone. I won’t preach at you, and I will never ever judge you.

but YOU are worth it, and you know it. yeah you had to struggle to get to college because your parents didn’t know anyone who knew anyone, but look…you got there…and doesn’t it feel good to know you got there completely by yourself? no help from anyone, except the people that pushed you and stood behind you?

and yeah you struggle with that issue you have and you don’t understand it and it makes relationships harder, but he only gives us what we can handle, and look at the person you have become because of it? most people like you completely give up on God, and here you are facing him telling him “this is me God and here I am, take me or leave me” and you know what? he takes you. he loves you, and you can sit and be mad at him and you can hide behind whatever you want.

but you WILL be great one day, he won’t let you not be. He won’t let you hide, because he doesn’t put such a gift on this earth for it to not be used.

with that being said, you should be scared, because turning your back on him might result in him snapping you right back into line with him.

because he WILL use you.

I love you, and you are strong, and you were there for a reason. you pulled him out of that water for a reason.

you were top of your class for a reason.

everyone at MC loves you, for a reason.

you have the amazing parents and wonderful brother that you do, for a reason

you have endured hard friendships, relationships, and obstacles, for a reason.

you are YOU for a reason.

you touch lives every day, every. single. day.

don’t you forget it buddy.

rant.

Why do we hide behind people? we get hurt, we fall, we get bruised, and we automatically attach ourselves to the next moving person and hope that they get rid of the pain for us.

or that it will get lost in the midst of that person, and maybe it does. I believe that it can. but why make someone else be temporary second place just for your own selfish benefits?

or sometimes we are never okay.

the people I don’t understand are the ones that marry for money, or just marry to get married. they think, “well, I like him/her, they are nice, I can stand looking at them…let’s get a ring”

what the hell? I wouldn’t ever even dream of settling down unless I was completely head over heels for the person.

and yet I see it all the time. that temporary fix, that leads into marriage.

think of someone other than yourself, please.

and will it be worth it? why not just wait and let yourself heal so that you can give someone yourself wholly?

but of course not, because that could result in happiness.

silly, caitlin.