What is something new that I have recently learned about myself?
well, I would say that it is the fact that I have more patience than I ever truly thought I had. throughout everything that has been sprung on me in the past year I would say that my actions, thoughts, and just all out life has been a roller coaster.
the scary upside down ones where you are standing up wondering why the hell you stood in line to shit your pants, yeah, that one.
regardless, just like any roller coaster you ride, at the end you are proud of yourself for being brave and you even say “let’s do that again” even if you don’t really mean it, you just want to sound like a billy badass to the person getting out beside you with a little bit of chin dribble on their shirt.
I have always said patience hasn’t been my thing. If you ever have had the luxury of being in the car with me, or seeing me drive, you would probably agree with this statement. or if you have ever seen me in walmart or target, by myself, mind you, I am constantly walking, running it feels like, to get my stuff and get out.
I always feel like I am rushed, but honestly that is just the way a busy person’s life is, and that is how I like it.
however; today I really got to thinking, and I am much more patient than I give myself credit for. with everything that I have been faced with in the past few months even, I have been able to take a breath, look at everything, and just simply be okay.
I can say I am chill. I can’t say that I am completely okay, but who, out of everyone in the world, is truly okay…all the time, anyways.
I was mad today. I was mad and I shouldn’t have been. not because I didn’t have a reason to be mad, because regardless, I did. not because I should have been suspicious, because, I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have been mad because it is silly, really. I gave in to the highschool drama by even allowing such a less than mediocre thing to impede my thoughts. I did everything in my willpower to not think of it. and in the moments of singing as loud as I could in the car with Loren, and in the moments of working out and sweating more than I have in the sun…I felt amazing. truly amazing, and that is when I realized how absurd I was. absurd because I am so much better than that. and by that I just simply mean the absurdity of letting someone affect my mood.
so you may be right. I may be naive, and you may really mean it when you say you just don’t want to see your friend get their heart trampled on… and I may be a silly girl who needs to “grow a pair”
but honestly? what is the point? in the end, whatever happens happens. there is not one thing we can do to change that. I can’t demand someone to be in my life, and I won’t do it. if such person wants to be in my life, than they will stay.
this goes for all people.
you constantly talk about “doing you” well, I want to do me, I want to not give a shit, and honestly? right now? I can say I don’t. Please don’t confuse this with the cold caitlin because that just isn’t the case.
no, this would happen to be the cocky caitlin that knows shes worth keeping in your life, whoever you wish to be. this is the caitlin who has no reason to feel any feelings of jealousy or mistrust, or worry or anything.
because? life is life. people are people. people do what they want, and in the end? I am okay. always will be, as long as I am out there doing what I do best, which is saving the world.
yeah. I’m as chill as they come.
you can say eff you to relationships
and he can do whatever he wants
and she can be as dumb as she wants
and she can play her games
and you can call me a coward
I don’t think I am a coward. I don’t fear being mean. I don’t fear being a bitch. I just don’t want to deal with it. It is, like I have said a hundred times now, pointless, and there is so much more in the world than useless drama.
I am so incredibly much more better than that.
the people that matter, not only know this? but are the ones who are here.