latidacaitlin

you don’t deserve this.

then tell me, what do you deserve?

scenario: who deserves love more? once upon a time there lived a little girl, she lived in a little house, and had a little mom and a little dad. only that wasn’t really the story. mom never told her she loved her. dad only abused and cussed her.

she never knew what love is.

once upon a time there lived a little girl who lived in a little trashcan and played with little mice. only that wasn’t really the story. the trashcan was actually a seven bedroom house, and the mice were actual parents that spent all their time and love and effort on the little girl.

She lived in the definition of love.

which one is more deserving? because child one doesn’t have the same deck of cards as child two, she doesn’t deserve what that child has?

that doesn’t make sense does it?

that is what you are saying. and it is so frustrating to me because if I am willing to give you something, then you deserve it.

say it with me now.

you. deserve. it.

that is all. for now.

Happy Birthday to the kid who has seriously stolen my heart.

Joseph.

Johnny Depp is a Gemini.

“I was always fascinated by people who are considered completely normal, because I find them the weirdest of all.”

“We’re all damaged in our own way. Nobody’s perfect. I think we are all somewhat screwy, every single one of us”

“All that matters is the ending, it’s the most important part of the story, and this one is very good. This one is perfect.”

“If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.”

“My body is a journal in a way. It’s like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist.”

“People say I make strange choices, but they’re not strange for me. My sickness is that I’m fascinated by human behavior, by what’s underneath the surface, by the worlds inside people”

“If there’s any message to my work, it is ultimately that it’s OK to be different, that it’s good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color.”

“I am doing things that are true to me. The only thing I have a problem with is being labeled.”

“They stick you with those names, those labels — ‘rebel’ or whatever; whatever they like to use. Because they need a label; they need a name. They need something to put the price tag on the back of.”

wakeup, makeup

smudged with lustful desire

don’t read in between the lines

crimes, injustices, oranges

breakfast with a kiss and a smile

needing, wanting, craving

letting go.

your smile. your eyes. your face.

you told me so.

it’s the world they say.

let it be, he sings

it’s your life, it reads

help my mind, I pray

peaceful desires

stolen away by the intoxication that constantly lies

within the lines

don’t read between

my mind

I don’t know who sang it but they hit it right on the head when they said love hurts.

it was incubus

well…okay.

here is the post I told you would be to you, you know who you are, but I also need to clarify that this post is to other people too. it is for you, and you, and you, and you.

and although we are not close friends, and we do not talk, and I do not even know you all that well except reading your posts on tumblr and knowing that you are a sweet sweet girl, this post is for you too.

one word. it is the word that everyone looks for in life, and then there are those that get it and lose it to where all of the other words that come cascading down the emotional mountain of pain seem to overturn the word.

love.

then there are those that take it for granted, which makes those that just finished climbing the emotional mountain of pain that look down at those that do take it for granted and want to take their small little ant like bodies and crush them between their fingertips all the while making that squinchy face and ending with a see ?? you see?? that is how I FEEL

love.

you had never let anyone in like that before. she took it all from you. I know. I hate that I know but I do know. you placed more than just trust in her. you placed your entire being. she was the reason for your happiness, she was the reason for your smile, she was the reason for your laughter, she was the reason for your aggravation, she was the reason for your mornings, and she was your pleasure in the night. and you were more than satisfied. you finally realized what it meant to truly love someone. to truly love, her. you wanted to heal her. you knew how much she had been shit on, and you wanted to hold her in your arms. squeeze her as tightly as you could until she couldn’t breathe with the knowledge of knowing how much you loved and cared and would be there for her. you wanted to be her confidence, her self esteem, her savior.

love.

it seems like it doesn’t take long to pick this word up. Hell, we walk alongside the street corner and right there it sits on the park bench, or in between the cracks of the sidewalk, and being the curious people that we are we bend down to pick it up. you know, see if we like it, see if it tickles our fancy.

and we find out that it tickles a lot more than our fancies, and so we hold onto it. we just found a treasure. something better than that quarter on heads for good luck.

as easy as it was to bend down and pick it up. it is even harder to get rid of it.

someone steals it from you.

or you accidentally leave it in your jean pocket, and put it through the wash and the dryer and after the cycle there is nothing left.

you just want her off your mind. you just want to breathe. it is the most frustrating thing that it takes forever. it isn’t fair. you were the one who came to the realization that you loved her, why can’t you make your own realization that she means nothing to you?

Then there is you. you were a player hardcore. women? they were fun in bed. yeah you had fallen a couple times before, but nothing that you couldn’t handle.

she came out of left field. fly ball, the sun blinded you, and you missed it.

and she hit you right on the damn head. you were that couple. that couple that made everyone else sick.

then she told you the most devastating thing ever. she told you she didn’t love you anymore.

she told you she didn’t want you anymore.

broken.

you did a lot more than just break. you took everything that you felt and multiplied it with such intensity and just wanted to know why, and just wanted to fight it.

now you spend your days thinking of her and thinking of how you can’t. you don’t. you won’t. live your life without her. she has to still be in love with you.

you tell yourself that she doesn’t mean it. that she is just scared. that she is just confused. that she just needs time. that you just need to prove to her that your love is unlike what anyone else can give her.

you have to make her see YOU HAVE TO

you aren’t sleeping at night. your smile doesn’t appear as much.

the alcohol doesn’t seem to ever end.

the pain overcomes the alcohol, fucking alcohol why aren’t you working?

love.

does she not see what she is doing to you? does she not realize that she has made you a better person? that she took the one person that no one else could tame, and she not only tamed him but she made him fall head over his entire body for her…. surely she must see this…surely she must care…

he was your first love. he was a dork, you were the beauty he was the nerd. he struck gold with you. but you loved him. you put your entire being into him. you did everything together. inseparable. you trusted him. you loved him. you would have given your life for him.

and he broke your heart.

and you became cold.

you started breaking other guy’s hearts, why? you said that there was some girl out there who they had hurt. you were every girl’s revenge.

and then? he popped back into the picture like an annoying effing zit. and he got your hopes up as he played you again. as he took advantage of your love. and now you just want to get over him. you hate the fact that you still think of him. you try to show that you are fine and moved on. but you know.

you know.

you just want to know what that feels like again, and now there is a new guy, and you pray and hope that he is the one that can heal what he destroyed.

you deserve this.

you never let anyone in ever. you gave your heart to one person and he ran over you for four years. even after college started you gave him a chance. and time and time and time and time and time again he abused you. he walked over you. but you held on. why? because the good times you allowed to surpass the multiple bad times.

you loved him.

you truly loved him.

you finally became strong enough to say no. you finally realized that he was not going to change, and that you were better off without him.

you became colder than cold as you walked left and right breaking hearts up and down, not caring because you were living and they did not need to be getting attached to you anyway.

you were, well you, you couldn’t be broken.

you did everything in your power to make sure you were never that vulnerable again.

then he came along.

and at first it was just fun. it was good, late nights, delicious kisses and a tasty fuck

you were still unbreakable

until it happened again. and again. and again. and again.

and again.

and again

then he would text you, and you would smile. a real genuine smile, and even though you tried to hide it, we all knew.

you were gone.

but because you were so incredibly afraid of your own feelings, you hid from them.

made your mistake, and now you sit and pry him off your mind.

love.

that is what it does to us. we put our all into someone, and they hurt us so incredibly bad that we want to become this cold person.

and we end up making mistakes we never would have made if we had not been so hurt with to begin with.

how can a word so beautiful and with so much potential behind it, be so incredibly distasteful?

you gave him time and time and time and time again.

he cheated, time and time and time again.

and you brought him back, loved him harder, only to find out that in the end he decides he doesn’t want it anymore.

you put all your effort into him and he left you standing there with your fears in your palms and a look of astonishment and pain on your face.

now you just want him to come back to you. you want things to be like they were before, you know he doesn’t deserve you. you know that when it comes down to it he is a piece of shit.

you don’t care.

why?

love.

love is what we do when we give those chances. love is that feeling of when everything is good, but it is also that pain with everything hits rock bottom.

so yes, incubus was right, love hurts.

but sometimes its a good hurt and it feels like i’m alive.

love sings, when it transcends the bad things have a heart and try me cause without love I won’t survive.

it’s a disease.

I know, because I have felt all of these.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around how incredibly much things have changed. Two of you, maybe even more, have girlfriends now and I can’t help but think of the time where you really thought I was something special and where I felt like absolute shit because I did not feel the same.

See? I told you things would work out. Is it not crazy how things turn out? How during that moment where you feel like everything is bad, your heart is being ripped out of your chest, breathing seems like the most complicated thing to do, and thoughts swarm in and out of your head like a nest of wasps planting this and that egg until you just want it to sting you already!

and then four months later… six months later… one year later…

look at where you are.

that is just how life is though, changes, left and right up and down.

This post is for two people

these two people rocked my world this summer. I would have never made it through without them, well, I would have because I do not technically need anyone, however, I could not have asked for two of the most amazing friends in the world.

this is to Justin Kirkland and Whitney Hunt.

staying up until seven a.m. just talking. listening. I let everything out that morning. I let things out that I had not let out to anyone and I will never forget the amazing sleep, even though I woke up early to leave, that I had.

The drives. Cades Cove and seeing the bear and jumping over the fence that we were not supposed to jump over, you were not supposed to jump over, bringing me back the most gorgeous flower I had ever seen, illegally, and seeing you run to the big beautiful tree. seeing you smile at me. being so welcomed by your family, at a time where i constantly felt like shit, and yet they still saw the real me, the warm me, the real caitlin whaley. If it were not for your family I feel as though I would still be a cold cold person, however, they broke through me first. you all did.

I am sorry about that party.

I am sorry about the other party, and the bathroom.

Thank you for always listening to me and being the insightful and beautiful person that you are. Thank you for being the clean fun I had, the clean laughter, the refreshing breeze that I so desired this summer.

Thank you for sharing your special place with me and putting a feather in my hair.

I will forever be your Pocahontas, John Smith.

Remember Jacob? the guy who used me? who brought me down as much as he could with his words? Skank. Whore. Hoe. remember? and I sat and took it. self worth, wasn’t for high prices at the time.

and you sent him that message. and I’ll never forget it because It is very seldom, honestly usually never, that I ever have anyone stand up for me.

and you sent him that message, and ripped him apart. you and Jess sent him something, all in a matter of one week, and we really freaked him out and he blocked us all. And although we seemed crazy, and although we were in a lot of ways, I just remember thinking this is it.

this is what it feels like to have such great friends.

however, the best memory I have of this summer…. don’t get me wrong the kite was great, …i’m actually about to start crying like a little baby right now…

whitney, the kite was great. that day was great because i was worry free. because for once I could go an ENTIRE day without thinking of him. without being hurt, without wanting to do something to get rid of the pain.

an entire day.

but whitney, that was not the best day of my summer.

the best day of my summer was the night I found out. I called you and I was crying, I should not have been crying because I knew it was coming, I knew. I knew. but because I wasn’t expecting it to be so soon I called you crying.

two oclock in the morning you stopped everything you were doing to come to me. there was an eclipse of  some sort that night, and you asked if I had ever seen one, and then you said you would be there in ten minutes. I went ahead and went outside, and that is when I called Justin. No, I had been talking to Justin on facebook telling him, and at this time he called me.

I was sitting outside, barefoot, the wind smacking me in the face, a bittersweet cold not a cold that I could not handle, it was summer anyways.

you remember what you said to me? I do not remember it word for word but you started talking about how she looked like a horse.

and how incredibly disproportionate her face is, how he settled, how they would always be this mundane couple and how one day she would be staring out of a window wondering where he was at night and what woman he was with

and you just kept on and on, and yes it was stupid, and yes it was highschoolish, and yes you did not have to say such negative things.

but you did it for me, because you wanted me to feel on top of the world, because you wanted me to stop crying for someone who did not deserve it. because you wanted me to stop hurting over something that was not worth it. because you love me and you wanted to make me laugh even if it was at their expense, you felt that it was okay.

then whitney pulled up and you said, “i have done my part, I’ll let her handle the rest”

and she did.

she pulled out two blankets, and she wrapped one around me and she sat down beside me.

she did not ask

she did not say his name

all I said was, “I just got off the phone with Justin and you should heard what he was saying”

and you smiled at me, and then you laughed because you agreed with the horse comment

and then you spent a total of two minutes reminding me of how better off I truly am

and then that was it. you did not discuss it anymore. instead we decided to look up at a foggy sky, we never did see the eclipse or whatever. all we saw was an orange sky.

but that was okay.

because it was cold, and i had a blanket, and my bestfriend had drove to my rescue at two a.m., and justin had called to take my mind off of it and make me laugh.

and I remember thinking, this is it. this is what bestfriends do. this is what it feels like to have such amazing friends.

that was the most memorable night of my life. because it was the most amazing thing that anyone has ever done for me friend wise.

I love you two, so incredibly much.

I can see that night so clearly in my mind.

I can still taste the moosetracks, the velveetas shells and cheese

even that bittersweet taste of that wine, sitting on that couch, taking it right out of your hand and taking a huge gulp of it.

just because.

running around walmart at two a.m.

chasing a dime on the walmart floor.

being so incredibly pissed off as you drown the ants in joyce’s kitchen.

walking to mcdonalds because the sweet tea was just that good, and I fell on the hill by the light pole

even the times where we just sat in the car on campus because everyone was gone, and we were restless wanting something to do, and there was nothing to do.

driving around in the night with the wind on the interstate blasting the radio singing as loud as we could.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, he (or she) is there to help when trouble comes.

I love you both,

so much more than you will ever know, and than I’ll ever have in my capacity to show.

Caitlin Elizabeth Whaley.

and then the words actually left from his parted lips.

correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think you are in the right position to intentionally piss me off.

and in that moment I realized two things.

1. I am too forgiving.

2. somethings just can’t be taken back. somethings can’t be overlooked. somethings just can’t be fixed.

you -1 me - 0

I really hope you are happy.

however, if I ruined you like you have ruined me.

then maybe instead prayers should be lifted.

you’d just laugh though. my discomfort would lighten up that crooked cocky smile.

just remember, I AM Caitlin Whaley, shit happens.

but I always stand back up.

This is not my writing, but I had to share it.

Someone has to be my first, a voice whispered in my head.   Why not him?  It wasn’t like he was just anybody, after all.   It was him, and he had always been special.  He was being special right now in the way he was in my space, in the way he had me transfixed, in the way my breath had changed to something more swift and shallow.  He was being special in the way he was closing the distance between us, and I was ready to voice my objections — how dare he presume my answer to be yes? — when something in my mind decided to inform me smugly that I had already nodded my head in affirmation.

When had that happened?  It hardly mattered.  It had, so nothing to do but go with it.  I’d never done this before, but logic told me that if he had his lips parted slightly, then maybe I ought to part mine as well.  His eyes flicked over the features of my face, and I found myself echoing the action, tracing the smooth line of his jaw, noting each faint freckle across the bridge of his nose, falling into his deep, soft eyes.

What was a kiss, really?  I’d never been interested in pressing my lips to another’s.  The idea didn’t discomfit me, so I had allowed this, but I had worried if my head would be disengaged from the action.  Not in that I feared my heart would take over, but in that my head would impatiently observe the proceedings, thinking, ‘Whoopee.  Are we finished yet?  I’ve got other things to do.’

I was wrong.  I was so very wrong.  At that moment, there was nothing else I would rather have been doing.  A kiss was more than just brushing lips with another.  I hadn’t accounted for the way he filled my personal space, bringing a feeling of intimacy from the utter rarity that I would let anyone so close, and not just to my mouth.  We weren’t touching, but I could feel him as an almost tangible presence from my shoulders all the way down to my shins.   I hadn’t expected that I would feel his warm breath sliding gently across my skin, that in breathing we would be sharing our air.   Logically, his fingers were probably cooler than the skin of my cheek, but it seemed they sent a tingle of heat through me and down my spine.

My lips became suddenly sensitized.  They didn’t respond in any remarkable way when I ate, drank, brushed my teeth, but now, now they felt the kiss before it even came.  Actual contact was just that much more.  They were just lips, but I became acutely aware of the person behind them.  We no longer shared breath, but everything we had between us, powerful enough that it left no room for air.   Our parted mouths lingered in quiet, innocent communion before his puckered closed, bringing mine with his to the accompaniment of a soft, moist sound that struck some deep, instinctive chord within me.   Cool, empty air once again intruded between us.  My lips parted again immediately thereafter as if to rewind, the abandonment creating a sudden vacuum I was pulled forth to fill, but alas, my first kiss had technically come to an end.

It didn’t feel like it.  As bereft as I felt with the loss of his lips against mine, I still felt him.  His fingers slid slowly off my cheek, and though that decreased the sensation, it took its sweet time in fading away completely.  It was like a string stretching between us, growing thinner as the distance grew until it finally lost its cohesive tension despite all its efforts.

My timesense told me only a few seconds had passed.  How was that possible?  There was a lot more to this whole kissing thing than I’d thought if it had even the power of time dilation.   I’d already been proven wrong in finding that it was more than just a brushing of lips; it was a full body affair.

He smiled as he pulled away.  I found one of my hands had risen to touch his hip during the experience.  Excellent.   There was less ground for it to cover now as I commanded it to slide up and snag his shirt.  Halted in his departure, his expression was just sliding into a question when I informed him breathlessly that I would be so very honored if he were to be my second, as well.

And I continued to be honored as he graced me with my next, my last, and every one in between.

when I was praying. and found a demon in my safest haven. seems like it’s getting harder to believe in anything. than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts. and the worst part is that before it gets any better we are heading for a cliff.

and in the free fall I will realize.

I’m better off when I hit the bottom.

I am starting another blog, and I will tell you why.

It will be my psychiatrist, I will fix all of this by myself. I WILL. period, end of conversation.

Even if that means the one word that everyone else fears,

I do not fear it. I accept it.

just like the inevitable.

loneliness.

or, alone.

I had a private blog once upon a summer time ago, and I deleted it. I was told that I would not be okay until I did.

so I listened. well sorry Kris, but this blog will not do the trick because too many people read it, and too many people ask me questions, and too many people are able to get into the inner most depths of my mind that no one else deserves to be in but myself.

my problem? I am a screw up. I am so utterly scared and terrified that I cling to that person. WHY DO I CLING TO THAT PERSON?

I am not excusing it, do not think that is what I am doing for it is just not.

I am, however, taking notice of the ugly side of me that I never thought I would ever see.

why?

because I did not know it existed. I would have never thought. I would have never thought.

I still can not believe it honestly.

and yet it’s there.

mirror mirror on the wall

why do I constantly always fall.

flat on my face in such a disdainful taste

why do I always succumb

to these cold feelings enraged with being numb

you are going to mess everything up. you are going to keep holding onto this, this, this person, and one day you are going to be standing there alone and the only person you will be able to blame is yourself. yourself for not letting go. for not just letting someone catch you. for pushing someone who could love you the way you deserve away.

you’re a fuck up,

love always, the monster in your mind,

caitlin.

pinch away the pain. take away this feeling, screaming out in the middle of the rain.

only the rain is inside my head, and now the rhyme stops because poetry isn’t what lingers through the labyrinth of my mind. No, something darker. is this what happened to you? 

its your fault its your fault its your fault, as many times as you can stand to hear it I’ll say it.

see, it’s your fault.

I take responsibility but I won’t stop, this is who I’ve decided to be

then you will just have to get over it.

I do, do I not?

you tell me, how incredibly insane are you right now?

“we are the same person, except I’m much more sane”

if only if only

that damn woodpecker.

run.

one, two, three.

my biggest downfall has always been my over thinking, and yet within the past six months I have, instead, became a shell, yes I can break and I have been chipped away at desperately, however, I’m still a shell, and I let it over take my number one downfall. I was able to get rid of the fact that I over think, and now that it is back. right now, right then, right there, now that it is back. such a familiar feeling, it will never go away. I can feel it, it is as though it is a long lost friend staring at me with a smile of “you never did change” a smile of “I know the real you” very creepy, odd, spine tingling feeling.

I have ugly hands, and I’m sorry.

I have no reason to over think, because that is a double standard, and that is not my chi flavored tea. that is not my logic, and so why?

why?

yes?

well, it’s simple.

yes?

your fear. you may never get passed it.

ashes ashes they all fall down.

be okay today.

Sometimes I really want to just yell at you. I want to tell you that you have no right to tell me I have bad choices in friends, because you haven’t been a good friend either. I want to let you know that you were never my friend for the benefit of myself, tell yourself what you want, but you weren’t.

Sometimes, I want to remind you who has been here…was there… for you through everything. Sometimes I want to just completely and totally take my words and drive them through you, however I can’t find it within myself to want to hurt you to that capacity.

If I couldn’t hurt him, how could I ever hurt you? or anyone for that matter.

Sometimes I lay in the grass and fall asleep and when I wake up I wish I could go right back to sleep, because it is in those moments where nothing bothers me, where I know that life is so much bigger than my problems.

Sometimes I want to walk up to you punch you in the face and tell you you don’t deserve her. you are the worst boyfriend in the entire world, and she is the most amazing girl in the entire world. when you love someone you constantly remind them, and you do what you can to take away their worries. I see through you.

Sometimes I want to shake you and say, ignorance isn’t truly bliss, please open your eyes.

Sometimes I think of you, and wonder if you are really happy. Then I hope that you are, because that would be a really really sad way to live your life, unhappy.

Sometimes I sit and ponder on why it is that people enjoy taking their pocket knives and having a war with my back. I tell myself that because it happens so often I must be the problem, because that is the logical solution.

even though Kayla assures me constantly I’m not.

don’t the actions speak louder than the words?

Most times I keep things in now because I truly trust no one.

Most times I don’t tell people how much I truly am hurting, because I think my hurting is not fair. I have food. I do not get raped, sold, or molested. I am clean, when I choose to be. I have nice things and I have a family.

so I need to shut up.

Sometimes I want to tell you that you are not a good friend, and that I was so naive to think you ever were. I want to show you that you became the one person you talked shit about all the time.

just like in the end, if I did not have a good head on my shoulders, I would have become you.

Sometimes I want to tell you what a piece of shit you are, other times I pity your life so immensely that I can not bring myself to let you know.

Honestly, you already know, and that is why you do the things you do. You are quite the sad individual, and you will live, breathe, sleep, masturbate.

alone.

Sometimes I want to tell you everything, and then I remember that you should never give everything away. you should never tell all your secrets, because when you let someone know every single last thing about you, then when they walk away from you four years later

your left standing in front of a mirror wondering what the hell just happened, and who the hell are you now.

then it happens to you again.

this time around, you will not make that mistake. Honestly? it happened to you three times, but you let go of the third time because at this point, it is your fault.

yes, my fault.

I take the blame.

Sometimes I get so incredibly jealous that I have to do something in order to take my mind off of it. I have to tell myself really bad things, I have to tap into that coldness, and honestly? that part of me scares myself, because he told me that he could never see me being like that. the scary thing is I can definitely be like that and that is the scary part. that I can so easily tap into that mind frame.

Sometimes I think I lie to myself and pretend it is all okay, when in actuality in my mind I do not believe this is so.

Sometimes I pick wildflowers

Sometimes I eat moosetracks in remembrance

Sometimes I cry, and then lie about it, because I do not want to look weak

Sometimes I imagine jumping off a rock into a cold cold pit of water

Sometimes I think about packing a lite bag, taking off, and walking as far away as I can, not looking back. not taking my phone, and just seeing what will happen.

Sometimes Sometimes Sometimes.

but all times? I am confident, I am happy, and I will do what I can to make you happy.

That is who I am.