I'm running to your arms.
My experience? well, here goes nothing.
The week before DNOW my entire life seemed to be falling apart. i was losing everything left and right, not understanding what in the world was going on. why? why is this happeneing? i was hurt, taken aback, and just really speechless, which is why i didn’t really talk much this past week.
I came home Friday to get everything ready and start my journey and when Dillon got home I had him get his stuff ready and we packed the car and took off.
i turned the radio down. i sincerely looked at dillon and said “i want you to forget everything that’s happened to you this week. i dont want you to think of that person that made you mad, or the girl that hurt you, or the teachers that are unfair and constantly try bringing you down. don’t think of home. don’t think of dad. mom. don’t think of anything, go in here this weekend, with a cleared mind so that you can be fully open to having your life rocked, because i swear to you, you want your answer? you will get it this weekend.”
and with that i turned the radio back up, held back tears as always, and we drove on.
first service:
music was good, i was feeling it, and i took my own advice. i blocked everything out to where the only people in that sanctuary were me and God. i felt alive, rejuvenated, and in that moment i was ready for whatever the weekend held. music blaring in my ears, words of hope peace and love filling my soul, arms raised as high as they could until i could at least feel like i could touch him. no worries. all gone.
then that man walked up there. bright yellow shirt. big arms, built, cool hair. biker dude. what did he do? ride motorcycles. word. crossing my legs i listened.
listened to a man who broke basically every bone in his body but still finished that race.
listened to a man who told me what it was supposed to look like if you had PASSION
listened to a man who was the definition of PASSION
yearned for that.
that night i met my girls for the first time, i had all new girls this year except for Laura. beautiful bright girls and i could see it in their eyes, they yearned for this too.
that night we made a pact that we would see what this taste of devotion to God would feel like, what would it be like to be that devoted? that passionate? EKHLAS. aramiac word for Devotion…to be Devoted to God fully on the inside and out.
its still on my arm.
Day two: early. cereal. hair a mess! take one wrong turn, fix it. end up at church. go inside. worship. hands start to go up. into marvelous light i’m running. out of darkness out of shame. by the cross you are the truth you are the light you are the way. sin has lost its power. death has lost its sting, from the grave you’ve risen, victoriously. beth and i jumping and clapping, laughing, and once again i hold back tears.
memories of freshman year. rachel. kaley. beth. janna. freedom. freedom in God. front row, jumping up and down, the year that changed my life. the DNOW that changed MY life.
back to reality here comes Chapman, the biker teacher.
tells a story. himilaya mountains, sorry if i spelled that wrong, tribe, random man gets called to go deliver bibles and medicine.
gets to his destination, its going to be a long drive, and an even longer hike. hes been told to go back home, four missionaries have already been beheaded for giving out bibles. he has 1000, he continues. drives until seeing a man walking on the side of the road, doesn’t want to stop, but ends up stopping to let him in. turns out to be the king of this tribe he is supposed to go witness to.
King writes him a note to declare that until he returns to his tribe, he is the new king.
gets there.
woman in labor.
twins.
the nurse with the man delivers the first one, has to break the child’s hip
dead.
the second one.
fine.
out of nowhere this man shouts to tell the people that if God can’t bring this baby back from the dead, then they can kill him.
nurse looks at the man and tells him she really hoped God told him to say that because that baby has been dead for six hours.
the baby was blue.
the baby was pink.
breathing.
crying.
oh?
and…
no broken hip.
now please, tell me my God isn’t real.
woman married to a man who was so incredibly devoted to her that the day before he died he planted a rosebush in their front yard, because roses were her favorite.
why aren’t more men like this?
thoughts. tears no longer being held back. makeup stinging my eyes. organic, never again. remembering Mike. Erica. the miracles. everything I’ve encountered myself. remembering it all.
session is over.
food.
wendys and subway. eat fresh.
get back to the church. parking lot. FEEL LIKE A MONSTER. blasting out of a huge vehicle. can’t see who is driving it. waiting for them to get out because it intrigues me.
out steps preacher boy.
yes. wow. i know. i love me some skillet. me too man.
next session.
singing. everyone’s hands raised high. dillon’s hands raised. holding back tears, fully open myself up to God.
message. about walls. letting down walls. if you are mad at a parent for letting you down. a friend for letting you down. anyone that has ever hurt you, anything that keeps you from God.
then the story that made the tears fall, there was no holding back.
he says he was a troubled teenager.
tattoos of really really bad things.
drugs. cocaine. marijuana. pills. alcohol.
everything he could think of to put in his system because he was mad at his dad.
overdosed one night, almost lost his life. not to mention four of his bestfriends who did lose their life.
all due to drugs and wrong very wrong decisions.
at a very young age.
the night he almost dies, his dad shows up with tears in his eyes and apologizes.
he forgives him.
next party. man walks up offers him coke.
he goes to snort.
decides he doesn’t want it.
gets on his bike and drives off.
runs out of gas in the middle of I 85.
thumbs down a taxi, uses all of his money to go get get and bring it back to his bike and to pay the taxi.
taxi drives off.
goes to start his bike.
no keys.
they are in the taxi.
takes his helmet back off and starts to think of the past few years where he ignored God.
where he lived life without God.
falls on his knees. screaming and crying at the top of his lungs in the middle of I 85
tells God that if he exists to please show him a sign, or bring him a car, or something, something to show him that he still loves him, and if he does that he will change his life completely. go to church the next day and completely start over, but if he doesn’t give him a sign then hes going to have a hard time believing he is real, and that he does love him.
opens his eyes to a car pulled over on the side of the road.
he walks over, just thinking its a coincidence, the window is rolled down and in the passenger seat sits a bible.
still thinking its a coincidence he looks further down to see a black man with a huge fro at the steering wheel.
he then goes to describe that he was a tattooed pierced up and he has a mullet.
guy looks at him and tells him he doesn’t know what hes got going on but the Lord told him to pull over and tell him that he loves him.
coincidence?
yeah. funny.
that was it for me.
i broke.
i broke for you.
i broke for you,
and.
i broke for you.
and i let go of every wall. and i cried. for dillon. for you. for mom. for mike.
and i cried.
and i lost all my makeup, and that was okay with me.
the night ended with one of my girls getting saved. and the others ready to be devoted and let God help them through their struggles.
and we went to market square. had icecream. made the man’s day. watched the jazz player. sat cross legged on the sidewalk. everyone followed us over there. we gave him money, and he stopped and told us we made his entire day.
i realized, that this is it. this is what its all about.
this weekend, was unlike any other. i have been to many disciplenows, and i have heard many many speakers. that man, that passion, this feeling, this desire, and this want.
i realized that a lot of things are my fault.
i’ve been condoning a lot of things, and because of that a lot of my friends have made really really terrible decisions, and it hurts to know that maybe, just maybe i could have helped.
maybe i could have been the mold that held it all together.
but instead i decided to just turn my head from it.
and in the end it only will hurt them.
you can’t run from your problems, and let me assure you that void? you know, the one you are constantly trying to fill? with words? with drugs? with alcohol?
it’ll never be filled.
you will take pill after pill after pill after pill.
and that depression will never go away.
because that isn’t the answer, and when you end up on I 85 just know,
I’ll be there with my car.
I may not throw Jesus in your face, and i may not judge you, because it isn’t my place.
but I will take a stand for my beliefs now.
i will show that he IS real, and miracles DO happen, and i will no longer condone it.
thank you,
I love you.
life.
changing.
