because I stay here all the time.
balloons, and the face, smile and cheese.
you can’t win something that I’ve already won.
checkers upon the wall look at the birds within the ceiling
you’re more pathetic than she.
circling my mind you come out to play
he’s going to be more than you’ll ever amount to
it sucks, and the flowers bloom,
I know, more than you
triangles and squares, tangled up in my hair
sucks to be you
forever and a faerie
Tortured with the temptation of my desires
hidden behind the secrets of my heart
clinging to the ecstasy of life
fulfilling the voids with something more than laughter
never fully being known by no one.
you may choke upon.
New years new years…that time of year where people make up things they are going to give up that they really only make it to the next week and they are starting right back up… not that I am any different. This year I actually plan on committing to stopping the whole “caitlin eats her fingers” thing…however, we shall see how far that really goes.
So because I am quite irritated, doubly frustrated, and just the fact that this is my blog and this might make me feel better, I’d like to put some things on your list for you for new years. Please note that the “you” I speak of may or may not be “you”…please do not assume, because as you know that makes more of an ass out of you than it does myself… fact.
with that being said I will start with my list and work my way down to “your” list.
The very top of my list will be seriously trying to quit with the chewing. It has been a really bad habit for a really long time and it is really that time to really freaking stop. my hands are starting to look like trolls hands…sorry trolls… Robby tends to help a lot with this…such as smacking me in the face everytime my finger touches my lips…even if I’m not chewing.
I’m going to stop letting you affect me. this is my life, I am my own person, and honestly you are nothing. you never were, and you never will be. I need to let go of petty things… you are one of those things.
I need to stop going out of my way to be nice to you just because I feel so sorry for you. you are a manipulator and I am really done. I can’t wait until things change, and believe me they will. I will stop allowing you the belief that you think you have so much power over me, you have none.
I will stop rolling my eyes at all the facebook statuses I deem as ridiculous. who cares what he or she posts…it is their facebook and they can use it anyway they want to. just like you use yours anyway you want to. If anything, facebook is stupid because it doesn’t mean shit. so stop basing things off of it.
I will eat more.
I will drink more water.
I will not allow friends back into my life that did nothing but completely tear me down as an individual. he. was. never. good. for. me.
I will take more friend pictures because this has been the best time of my life and for some odd reason my camera doesn’t trace my fingers like it used to.
I will wink at people more.
I will work on my math skills because they are truly pathetic.
…okay I may not do the above statement at all…but it was a nice gesture.
I will save money for a house.
I will save money period, and stop eating out four times a freaking week!
I will get some of that old Caitlin back. the one that never had a bad thought upon anyone because she realized that everyone is on the same playing field, so look at the good things, because that is what you have to focus on. There is too much bad to focus solely upon it.
I will volunteer more hours of my time, just so I can make more of a difference, rub off on more people, and show more people love and compassion.
I will buy more things that help feed children.
I will study more.
I will dance more.
I will read more.
I will play more, and look for faeries more
I will allow myself to be happy upon my own wishes, instead of the doings of others. I will remember that ultimately, I am in control of ME and MY feelings and I don’t have to let anyone get me down.
I will just live life. just live it, just let all the other shit go. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of the arguments, I am tired of dealing with the justice center…you all suck I am sorry but you do… I am tired of seeing pain upon hurt upon injustice upon more pain… I am going to feel infinite everytime I see a sunflower. everytime I see the sunset and the amazingly gorgeous colors spiraling through the trees. everytime the dog does a cool trick. everytime he smiles at me, everytime he runs into my arms, everytime he says jessica’s name and it comes out like jhehica. everytime I laugh at tyler for making silly comments where everyone but me makes fun of him… I do laugh though… everytime we play in the park or jump on the trampoline. I will feel infinite because THIS is what live is about. everytime I get goosebumps from a well formed sentence or from a passage in a book or just from literature period.
because in that moment we were infinite.
and for your list?
honestly…I started this last night and then saved it all in a draft…I had so much to say last night because of the mood I was in, but now I see that none of it really even matters… so I can sum it all up by saying that your list should consist of actually looking at what is best for him, for once, actually looking at how your actions affect him and maybe, just maybe, instead of constantly trying to hurt the other person, if you’ll start being selfless…maybe the world will start opening up more and your view on things will change…
that can relate to so many people in my life right now.
selfishness is a disease, in the words of the Beatles, I, me, mine, I, me, mine.
I was going to post something on marriage also but tonight I saw a couple that have been in front of me all along. and they are so incredibly in love, in REAL love, not the kind of love where you say you are but you think of another person or you sleep with another person or you kiss another person or you are constantly talking to another person… the kind of love where you are immensely wrapped up in the person, and you care so deeply for them that you’d do anything in your power to just make them smile… I saw that tonight and it restored my faith in marriage. it restored my hope, and I am so incredibly excited for life, because I saw myself in her, and when I saw the way he looked at her it was oh so familiar to me.
I love you to the andromeda galaxy and back only 2394320948 times, fact.
in my universe.
once upon a time there lived a girl,
oh how she lived, to not be broken down. you cannot break her down.
and she painted smiles on dolls faces and she danced for days upon ages
and she talked amongst faeries as she taught him to stay away from poison berries
the blue ones, little one, the blue ones.
and you cannot break her down
her spirit rises all around, oh around and around and around
the horses start to speak upon the merry-go-…she’ll never be found
the soul that is within,
naked, oh so naked she is within
and the caterpillar is her friend
and her heart doesn’t need to be touched, don’t worry small one it doesn’t need a mending
for what is a heart if it’s not worth bending
oh little one do not ever worry do not bother with such thoughts
she is not a firefly to be caught, her light is never to be bounded behind glass containers
she is a remainder of her own existence, lingering, how she lingers in the distance
slowly fading away…you cannot break her, you cannot break her.
fading, oh fading,
you cannot break me, you cannot break me.
once upon a time there lived a girl
once upon a time,
you cannot break
I am not texting you back, and if you ever read this, which you might or might not, I want to go ahead and let you know the reasoning behind my not texting back is because it is pointless. I am not going to fight with someone who really has never brought anything good to me. I am not these other people where you can just say your hurtful shit and then two days later everything be okay. I’m done. I should have been done six months ago. Hell, I should have been done a year ago.
I am sorry if I ever gave you the impression that Robby is shady. Allow me to fix that for the entire world since I am sure you have ran your mouth. Robby is not shady, he is far from shady. The boy tries to get me to go through his damn phone all the time just to prove that he’s all mine, which he is, and I know this.
My texting you and needing a shoulder to so call “wine” on, was the mere fact that I am the one with trust issues, if it wasn’t finding out what did happen to me as a child then it was the fact a certain boy misused the word love for me and made it really fucking hard for me to refine the definition.
My problems come from within. overly thinking, overly analyzing, oh and the big one that I am working on…communication.
so say what you want, you have been trying to break us up for the past …well since fucking forever anyways.
out of all the times you have tried to bring me down as a person. out of all the times you have called me crazy and told me I was fucked up, regardless of if I am or not. out of all the times you have just brought a frown to my face. the phone call I received from you that night that literally brought me to tears as you said whatever you could to tear me down.
friends don’t do that, dude, I don’t know what friend code you use, but it is really fucked up.
you really aren’t even worth the blog space.
I only thank you for one thing…introducing me to the best thing that ever did happen to me, and who actually tries to help me.
honestly, I should have never confided in you anyway. I should have never talked to you about any of it. it was wrong on my part, and for that I apologize.
please know though, there wasn’t a friend lost tonight.
not at all,
there was a lesson learned, and an experience gained.
with more than just mistletoe if you feel me.
I have never been so excited over Christmas.
I feel as though I had the entire experience this year. black friday and all. standing in a line for two in a half hours just to get that trampoline and that basketball goal. then finding that the racecar track and the scooter were a necessity too… I can’t even begin to list everything else. second time we have filled up the jeep with nothing but Joeboy stuff…highfive! CLAP!
But of course, just like in the Grinch… it is not about presents, and he will get a nice letter from Santa explaining that although he is receiving a lot of presents, that isn’t what christmas is about and to stop and think of all the children all over the world that were not able to have the same luxury. Maybe send a prayer or some positive thoughts their way. Yeah okay so he’s three… my mom started me early…and I feel as though that is what changed my life, and made me who I am today.
and people tell me he won’t understand… he understood when those toms came in the mail…he knew that because he got those shoes, another little boy across the world was getting a pair of shoes as well.
he’s already told me he wants to help me save the world one day.
three years old or not, start young with the little ones, because they could be the generation that saves us all.
everyone says it is my generation, but I think each one gets better and better, and passing it along could be the answer we are all pleading for.
to have three and four year olds who care.
I work with a guy who has a seven year old and he takes home extra food and he and his son give it to the homeless… he told me that way he son understands what it is like to help people, and I think it is a beautiful thing
I am excited to see his face.
I am excited about a lot of things the future has in store.
so incredibly excited.
because it doesn’t matter how ridiculous we act…at the end of the day what we have is real toots. it’s me and it’s you, and everyone else is just a playing piece on the board game that neither one of us care to play. so let the dust settle on their pieces and let’s enjoy the world that we create for ourselves from each passing day to another passing day. because you are gorgeous and I am beautiful and reality is… they all want what they can’t have, and baby that’s what we got.
I love you,
I love you more.
I love life.
the guy on comedy central is being very dirty ;p
So I like alanis morissette and smiling makes me happy, when others smile, even more so. I don’t like the stupid jewelry such as diamonds and gold makes me nauseous. I don’t understand people who constantly talk about other people…all the time… and I only tend to like icecream on a cone, or with Rob, and that is really it.
but you want to know what really annoys me? those of you who find it great to mess with my head, and then make me feel like shit.
Do not text me telling me you miss me. I love him I love him I love him. fate is walking into a room and feeling that much in one simple hug. fate isn’t just keeping in touch with someone that long.
Do not text me telling me to come party with you and suggesting I not bring him. Seriously, just stop it.
all of you, just really really stop it.
I am as faithful as they come and it is growing so incredibly annoying.
this was going to be long, but it isn’t even worth it.
I don’t play games, and I can never make up my mind, I spend more time with children then I do adults. I don’t like most parents, and I feel as though society has ruined marriage. I like cheerios just because they are called cheerios and I enjoy buying organic juices for Joe. I enjoy organic everything because I like feeling like I give a shit about the earth…because I do so don’t throw that FREAKING BOTTLE OUT OF THE WINDOW
or I will stop this jeep right now and go look for it, period. I will, every time.
but most importantly don’t insult me with such text messages or gestures in public, or really anything because I am not one of these people who just post a bunch of shit on my facebook or speak a bunch of lies from my mouth. I am legit, my love is legit, and my trust is legit. I have no respect for you, honestly.
I am not mad at you though because who can blame you? with all the people who cheat…even on marriage partners… with all the people who act one way and are actually another…I understand really I do.
Dear ENTIRE WORLD and ESPECIALLY MARYVILLE TENNESSEE,
that is not me,
love always and forever,
the faithful girl who actually is IN LOVE with Robby.
there’s a strange voice in your kiss.
Robby fixed my ipod, and by fixed I mean I got a new one.
Caitlin’s wonderful world of music is making a reappearance, and it is quite exciting and ever so frightening with the intensity of venomous addictions.
so ultra excited.
I came in through your ears, I smiled and then crawled, seeped within your body, decided I wanted your soul. I have lived within your mind making you feel things within your heart. You allowed me such control, oh the control you have allowed me. I feel immensely at ease as you dance around, puppet, my puppet.
you live and eat and drink and sleep and breathe my essence, my mist. I am you, you are me, we are one and both the same. no longer a game, we both won. you can no longer complain because you are okay with the rules now, you have finally given up, your mind, to me.
and you drive so fast now, out of sight, out of sight.
I want to paramore your face. If you are a paramore fan then you must know the song playing god. If god’s the game that you’re playing, well we must get more acquainted because it has to be so lonely, to be the only one who’s holy, you don’t deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you…you don’t have to believe me, but the way I see it, next time you point a finger I might have to bend it back or break it off…next time you point a finger, I’ll point you to the mirror.
I think back to the said “old” Caitlin, and it isn’t really the old me it is more or less the essence of myself that I fear sometimes I lose. I have never been one to point a finger, and I would like to believe that in a lot of ways I still don’t, but there are times I get angry with people that I wouldn’t normally get angry with…regardless, I had some quiet time today to reestablish myself, my thoughts, my essence, and decided I was going to get back to that.
Because who are we to ever point a finger at anyone? let me assure you, no one. Everyone makes mistakes, and pointing out another person’s mistake only shows you are hiding from your own. We can talk shit all day, and what good does it do? Most of the time it is over something that happened in the past. If it starts out, “did you see what such n such did yesterday” then it is in the past. I am tired of fingers being pointed. all. the. time.
simply take responsibilities for your actions, and forget the rest. None of anyone’s business as to what others deem as appropriate or not anyways.
I guess I am just tired of people poking at people in my family, which makes me want to unleash on them and let them know everything I feel that they do, or have done wrong. Then I got to thinking, what good does that do? They won’t listen, and who are YOU to point fingers anyways? I’m not, you’re not, no one is.
take the song playing god by paramore and blast it a few times so that it gets impounded into your head.
and just live your life, for real though.
I heard what you said this morning.
I heard it, and for once I took it in, and the most perturbed thing is I pictured it, and yeah I struggled, and yeah I wanted to drive off the road…not hurt anyone else, but just I don’t know. I wanted to go somewhere, somewhere far away, because what do you do with news like that?
But instead? Instead… I went for a drastic change in my hair, and I decided that it is what it is. This is life. we get fastballs sometimes, we get tripped and sometimes we just plummet straight forward into a big pile of shit. that is life. You can either dwell on it, or just move on. I am ultimately, in control of my life. In control of my head, and in control of my mind, and in control of my actions, and in control of my words, and just in control. Maybe it is why I have trust issues, but you know what? I feel as though being with Robby has solved a lot of that. Yes, I still over think, but I am going to continue to say that it is the writing and analyzing side of me, thank you Maryville College and Dr. Schneibel.
And I don’t need a counselor, because I am going to be okay. and you do not need to feel guilty because I am okay now. what happened, well, it happened. life goes on, life went on, and I took control of my mind today, decided that I still do not have it nearly as bad as most, and that it was not going to affect me. I still had an amazing life. I still had some of the most amazing experiences, and finding that out has not taken away anything from my life, from anything.
and if that is why I want to save the world? then so be it, it happened for a reason, because I love my ambitions and I love my over caring and over burdensome heart, and I love myself. I love myself. I love myself, and no one or nothing can take that away from me.
I am Caitlin Elizabeth Curl. At the age of eight I enjoyed jumping on the trampoline with my friends. In the fifth grade I saw a student throw a desk at my teacher and a boy by the name of Brandon tried to hold my hand on the playground. My bestfriend was Chelsea and we were very mean to Forrest, the hamster. Stimpy was the best dog I ever had and I cried seeing that trash bag by the mailbox. car rides with mom were always the best. I went through an Avril Lavigne stage and Mike walked in on me. I met my bestfriend in eighth grade, the one girl I hated in choir. highschool I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life helping people. Junior year I became friends with another red head who threw my world through another spin. I fell in love with a boy. I got a full ride to one of the most amazing schools ever. I learned how to study. heartbreak, I thought it’d be the end of me. I went through the most hardcore summer of my life, I was so incredibly stupid, but I’d never take it back. I learned what an Overstreet class consisted of. I went through a life changing event that scared the hell out of me. I realized my sister was my only bestfriend. I realized that I trusted too easily and I was very naive. Dancing was my life, and no one had anything on this. college only got better. I stayed up all night talking to a man and helping fold his underwear. I lasted all night. I made a bestfriend who showed me love again. Robert J Thomas Sneed, is my future. I met a little boy unlike all the other children, who loved that I got him Toms and that he was helping another child. I played on the playground, and still do all the time. Fairy land existed for me again. digging for worms and fighting dragons and being frozen by the magical wizard have filled my days. seeing all of your smiles. even through all the pain, I see the strength.
My mother is still, and will forevermore be my hero.
Mike Curl is and will always be my father, I am convinced that honestly he helped conceive me.
Loren, I love you more than anything in this world, and I’ll fight for you until forever.
Dillon, I hate that you are acting the way you are, but I am trying to understand, and I know that deep down you are just like me, and you wish to help the world and I love you.
I love my family, and I love my new family.
and nothing can touch me, really and truly.
and for all of you who are not here, who think my life is so perfect and that everything is so great, just know, no matter what, and even with everything happening now…you are right. my life is perfect because I choose for it to be. and for those of you who wish ill upon me, keep wishing because this won’t be the end of me.
…what does that stupid song say? haters gonna hate?
always standing strong.
I think of you constantly. I have worn this necklace everyday for the past few weeks because I want to remember to pray for you. I want to remember to send positive thoughts your way. I wish I could take it all away, and I know that people go through so much. and I know that there are worse things out there, up there, in there, but I hate seeing you like this. I hate not being able to do anything, and I hope you really know that things will be okay in the end. I hope you really know that they will both be okay, I will be okay, everything is going to be really okay.
and I still remember your laughter at the table that night as he made a fool of himself, and I looked at Robby as we both shared with you that moment of happiness, that moment of bliss.
and I still remember your face crying in my hands as I kissed your forehead
and I still remember your moment of weakness as you poured your heart out to all three of us that night and she held you and you shook and you said you were so scared of losing me…it will never happen. please know this. I will always be your miracle child and I will do what I was put on this earth to do.
and I still remember being in the car that night you asked for my permission. I’d give it to you over and over again.
and I still remember staying up late and watching movies with you even though I should have been in bed, but I was all you had at this point.
and I still remember how great of a mother you were, have been, and continue to be. How incredibly strong you are and how inspiring you are to the people around you. You are the woman I could never be if I even tried, and I love being able to say the phrase “I am my mother’s daughter” as I make a sneaky move or as I bulk up at other people when they mess with the ones I love.
I love being your daughter, I love having your genes.
I wear this necklace that reads forever, because forever together, we really will be.