i have never lived through a year as utterly crazy, explosively life altering, and bittered to the very tips of that candy appled stick as the caramel clings to my fingertips. and as i sit here thinking about everything i am going to post as to what happened to me, i find myself coming to a complete loss as to what words i should use to describe this year. I suppose i’ll start with the months January to March, nothing spectacular. i was living the same routine that I had been living for the past four years. school. bonner. homework. boyfriend. school. bonner. homework. boyfriend. weekends was boyfriend. life was centered around school and boyfriend. then as my life started trucking up to the tip top of the rollercoaster…instead of plummeting to the bottom, as i anticipated. the rollercoaster just stopped. it didn’t go down. it just stopped. and the next thing i knew, there was a different course to the right that i didn’t even notice, and there went my cart, it swerved to the right and sky-rocketed off. thus my new life began. between the months of March and June my life consisted of working, volunteering like crazy, and being attached to whitney. i got my bestfriends back. whitney and i have always been close, however during this time we clung, or should i say, i clung to her. i got kayla back in my life. i completely recovered from a disease that i never knew i had. it was…the most refreshing yet hardest thing i ever had to deal with. the complete and total change of my life took me by complete and utter surprise and dealing with it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to encounter and yet doing it? i aced it. caitlin whaley ladies and gents, i accomplished so incredibly much. i met justin kirkland. he rocked my world. eat.pray.love. the book changed my life. i went to my first college party. then i went to a ton of college parties. i showed people what real dancing was, and also showed them how to spell FUN with the letters S O B E R besides the letters D R U N K. i became a dancing manic. jess might call that an understatement. i had the most amazing beach trip i have ever had. the best day was garret whitney and i on the beach. flying a kite. laughing in the wind, or rather, against it. feeling the ocean. tasting the salt. getting sand in the most uncomfortable places. i came back from that trip, healed. cured in a way. mom called me out on my shit and i ran out of church one wednesday night and fell to my knees outside in the cold as i cried my soul out to place into God’s hands. i let him go that night. i let it all go that night. after that i continued with life. i met jess, the hottest girl in the world, who is absolutely adorable and i love to dance with, she has amazing clothes. her sidekick kelsey who has amazing hair. yes, i went through guys like skittle wrappers i became more involved in school such as SGA and MCA i studied more than i ever though was possible this year. i owned in dr. Schneibel’s class, and i didn’t think that was possible. this semester was hard but i made it through. and as it comes to an end, i know that through everything i went through this summer… it has set me up for what lies ahead of me. God works in the most incredible ways, and i see now what i never saw then…everything that happened was meant to happen, and i wouldn’t have wanted anything to happen any differently. loving life is once again, an understatement. i have recently met someone who has made it farther then two days. i am not afraid anymore to say that i really like him, and for once the three people that mean the world to me like him too, on top of all that, i didn’t settle this time. for once i brought a man into my mom’s home who goes to college, has his head on straight, and has a bright future. not to mention…biology major? smarter than me. Me: mom, i need to know, do you think i’m ready now? do you think i could do an actual relationship? Mom: caitlin i think this is great. he is perfect. i have never had a guy walk into my house with such confidence. Grey doesn’t NEED caitlin, unlike how every other guy has seemed. you could drop him tomorrow and he’ll be fine. i like that. its about time you got with someone who can keep up with your confidence and put you in your place when needed. Me: good. he stays. Thank you 2010. I am more than ready for 2011, hit me with your best shot.
and she wears flowers in her hair.
the truth she harbors, the lies, to speak, she does not dare
to cry. she can’t. its all locked up inside
she tries to fight it, but for fear she hides
and she picks flowers between her fingers
and the memories scented the pathway and it slowly lingers
to a world she created. to a life beyond being jaded
where the skies are green and there are no people for people are mean
and the grass is blue, and there’s no one there, not even you, for everything is true
and she holds onto that truth.
for it is proof that she has a hold on her life.
and she paints sunflowers on the moon
and the song repeats over and over again and she is living through the tune
inside she screams save me. outwardly she is free
but what is freedom if not found within
where to start. to stop. to end, take it slow, lets begin
take her hand, free her mind, and save her heart
for she wears flowers in her hair
taste her. all of her. full of her. if you dare.
i am the wisest woman you’ve ever met. i am the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected. i have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen, and you’ve never met anyone as positive as i am sometimes. you see everything. -Alanis.
Fear. it is the concept of letting go, because you know that by letting go you make yourself vulnerable to that person. Fear. it involves those walls crumbling down. Joshua will march, and your walls will come down, sorry Jericho. the best part about fear though? you control it honestly. you can’t let it keep you down, because if you do, you could miss out on something great.
Run. another one of my favorite words. Run. the thing that transpires when you start to feel fear sinking in. Run. the only answer you cling to. but you wanna know the good thing about running? you never get hurt… the bad thing? you miss out on life. fear is a part of life. jumping out of an airplane to even something as small as skating backwards. if you run from everything, what kind of person does that make you in the end? are you truly happy? alone and constantly moving? because life is always going to throw a curve ball, this is the big league now boys and girls. just how it is. Run. a word that i want to get rid of.
but then theres another word, which i hate, but it seems to follow me everywhere i go.
Naive. a word that is just as simple as it is typed out right there. Naive. a word that is, me. I get this grandiose decision to finally let go of fear, forget to run, and then BAM naive hits me in the face and not only do i go all the way back to word one, but i feel stupid so that word one multiplies into word two just so it never has to equal word three again.
thus saying, naive. leave me alone this time. just stay where you are. stay on this page. on this…blog… and don’t come near me. let me be. because its not happiness that i am trying to hold on to, that isn’t it. i will always be happy no matter what life throws at me, because i take pleasure in what i do and who i am. i take pleasure in helping. the end. however, it is the reality. the pure simple bliss. the smile with a ball cap. the humorous ways which make me laugh. the “positive” arguing. the crazy with just as much compassion as me. this is what i want to hold on to. do i need this? no. not at all, but for once, i would like something i want, to not get walked all over. i am not saying i deserve it. just, i want. no, rolling stones, i can’t always get what i want, but doesn’t mean i can’t want.
i do want.
and if it doesn’t happen, chill. im totally chill. i wont allow myself to go through anything such as the word pain. that word is no longer in my vocabulary. but where i retired that word, i would like to retire the word run too. i will never be able to retire the word fear, because we all have fear. fear of something. fear of someone. but i can get rid of run.
so here i am. fully here. no one thought they would see this day come. the day where caitlin finally says, here i am totally down for this, lets go. yes everyone, even a wall as hard as mine can come tumbling down.
“when im around you im predictable. i know its crazy, but im hoping to take a hold of you.”
yes, its a movie. but it is also reality too. funny thing about movies, they portray this “never-will-happen” scene which is honestly why people watch them. because they want to escape reality.
my advise? read a book instead, much more intelligently uplifting then a movie in my opinion, however, i like movies, i just wouldn’t use them as an excuse to get a breather from life.
however, this movie in particular is what i want to fixate on because i find it completely relevant at this point in time right now. which is 1:27, to talk about the problems of men and women. why do i feel like talking about this? because in a way im a bit frustrated and i have yet to go off on a real tangent. i kinda went off on one on a status my bestfriend posted a little bit ago, but i ended up having to delete it. lets not discuss this. this isn’t going to be about whitney and her situations. no, for you see, this is about me, and every other girl and what they go through when it comes to men. interestingly, a friend of mine made a comment one night as we sat on the extremely cold grass in very short shorts because we were dancing and inside was hott, and the wind lifting up the hairs on my arms while making the hairs on my legs grow, and the dog trying to lick my face. the conversation was as follows.
Her: i told myself i would never hurt like this again. i said that i would never allow a guy to get inside again, to where i would feel THIS again. you know, i was the player, i was the heartbreaker, the tease. i made the guy fall for me and then i left him standing there like a fool. why? because i knew. i just KNEW that somewhere there was a girl hurting, because of him. sometime in his life, he had hurt a girl like i had been hurt, and if not, then he was going to. so did i feel bad? no. because i was the punisher. i was every girls revenge.
sounds crazy? well it isn’t. because that is what hurt does to people. it completely takes their mind and throws it back and forth back and forth until everything about them is numb. their heart is numb. their mind is numb. their sanity is numb. it all goes out the window, and they find their logic in the most unlogical ways. you see, the problem with guys? (note: this is a generalization, so if you feel attacked then you are dumb, and this is MY blog, so like i said, leave) they never actually try to understand a girl. understanding a girl is observing her. not her PHYSICALLY… heaven forbid… but her as a person. what makes her face light up? what makes her really mad? how does she walk? this is important because a way the girl walks tells a lot about her. does she swing her hips like crazy? then shes attention craved and is going to thrive on you giving her a lot of attention. does she walk with her eyes diverted to the ground? then she has low self esteem and needs a man that can build her up and make her feel beautiful. does she walk with her head up and not noticing anything which surrounds her? she is confident enough in herself, and in her own little world. so she will need a man who is confident in himself as well, and gives her the space she needs. observation fellas. is the key. but most importantly try to understand her. ask her questions. no, the past isn’t important, because the past is the past, however, in a way the past is important. has she ever been hurt before? if she has been cheated on, she most likely has trust issues and she might even act all big bad and tough, and she might go through changing her mind a hundred times, however, if she is something you want to pursue, then you have to deal with this. she can’t just erase what happened to her. if she was in an abusive relationship…maybe not physically but maybe emotionally… then she wont be able to take compliments well. she will constantly shrug them off and believe you are lying. stick with it. keep the compliments coming, she will come around. patience. if you want something you will be patient and you will wait it out for her.
if you find yourself getting aggravated…maybe you should rethink and see if the girl is worth it to you. the problem with men is they dont think. they make the world think they have no brains. you have brains. use them. if you really like a girl you will try. if you really care it will show.
however, enough about powning on men. women, we have problems too.
such as we think that we are the only important ones when it comes to a relationship, shut up, yes we do. in the end its about our feelings. what did he do that pissed us off? what does he need to do to make us happy? how is it his fault in an argument? and wearing your emotions on your shoulder? this is not necessarily a bad thing… but it leads to us making rash decisions. instead, try understanding the guy. observe what makes him mad and what makes him smile. and remember that you aren’t the only one who has to work at this. it takes two people to make something work. don’t be dumb and upset and reply with “im fine” if you aren’t fine. (at this point i could take my own advice, but i admit, i am not perfect) dont let your pride get the best of you. dont let your stubbornness get in the way, if you really want him to understand, you WILL have to spell it out for him. dont expect him to just automatically know after you snap your fingers. he wont. trust me.
now, go watch the ugly truth and have a very merry happy ending.
gotta love movies and their always happy endings.
here i go. here i go…go…..go….go….go. setting it down. yupp. turn away. just waaaaaalk away. you have to let down the fence sometime. you can’t always hide behind your imaginary donthurtmyheartwall. you can’t use it for an excuse for the rest of your entire life. sometimes you gotta jump. no, i’m not talking about diving head first in that incredibly shallow part of the pool just to see if you will survive without hitting your head… fool…you will most likely hit your head.
no, i speak of it being ridiculously cold outside, and just for the hell of it you decide to jump in the freezing cold water, called a lake. even that is quite dumb when you think of what could happen to your body. the whole pneumonia-and-die scenario, im sure you have all heard. no. what i am doing is not jumping. it is neither coming out from behind my wall or letting it down. it is just simply…walking. moving forward, not stuck in this present state of confusion and lost land i have created for myself. so im going to give it a chance see? im going to try this out again. because if it works, then i didn’t let a good thing get away, if it doesn’t? at least i can say i tried.
because just like he said.
its better to live knowing you put your all into something and failed then knowing you just completely walked away from it without ever giving it a chance. thats a cowards way out, and i am not coward ladies and gentleman. whether or not anything ever truly becomes of this, at least i can say i passed another test. at least i can say i kept my head up as i made each step from behind my wall, and decided to give life another shot.
i gotta do this for me now see?
inhale in. exhale out.
easy peasy, i can totally do THIS.
it is 3:21.
Hi, my name is caitlin, i should be asleep right now. dreams. they should be enveloping my mind, why aren’t they? because there are so many things jumbling up through my mind right now, that the sand man said, “eff this crap” and flew away. or turned into dust and disappeared, or whatever the sandman does.
One thing going on in my mind? i can’t really say honestly. why? im glad you are so responsive and interacting with me, because i dont know what i’d do if i wrote to a thing that didn’t ask so many questions. back to topic, you asked why? i respond… because im caitlin whaley. i am strong. i am invincible. i can’t let anyone know that deep down i am truly a mess. confession? there are more than numerous things wrong with me.
one thing in particular being, i try to save everyone. why do i try to save you? you are only as happy as you wish to be, and yet i make it my everlasting job to make you happy. lift lift lift. you up. and yet you go plummeting down whenever you feel like it. so why do i continually try? simple; its what i am here for. because no matter what, i feed off of making others happy. i feed off of building others’ self esteem. even though in the end i am so emotionally drained by it all, that i tend to forget myself. my needs. another confession: i am human too. I know ellie says i am an alien, (note: this is a four year old i babysit) but i am truly human. and let me let you in on a little secret. human’s have needs. feelings. the whole qwadable. yes, i just made that up. dually noted. but i have pushed away everyone. heartbreaker? thats one word. i’d like to say heartless, but not truly. see, sadly i wear a mask. its the mask of “I do not care whether I hurt you or not, I am going to do what I want, and I will never let anyone else in. no one will ever get the opportunity to know THE caitlin whaley ever again.” fact: i do care. i hate hurting people. i want someone to break this wall. fact: i fear it though. i fear letting go. i fear getting hurt. fact: dear caitlin, everyone fears this.
so why do i still run?
because i am completely content with thriving on making other people happy. and you know, honestly, i could live the rest of my life like this. deep down within the very pits of my soul, i want someone to fix me. but in all actuality, i dont need to be saved. i am screaming and yet i am content. not content. content is settling, and i shall never settle. i am happy. because when i see you smile. when i see kids like Gabby smile. when i see momma smile. i smile. because in every smile i see, i feel as though i made a difference. i feel as though i changed their life today, even if it was a little.
so i shall lay here, all night probably, and just dwell on this.
and dwell on the fact that i have to constantly portray myself to be strong, because everyone views me as this. momma told me to stand bold, and one day, acting strong, will actively fix the inside, and i shall be truly strong. truly over it all.
i am making my mind stop when it comes to horses. justin kirkland and his funny rants to make me smile. whitney and a blanket and a cloudy sky. a ring, with fake feelings behind it. no mass. 4’3.
and of course, the neverending thoughts of our kite. our never to be flown kite in the salty wind overlooking the ocean, and hitting whitney in the head.
i wanna be naked, running through the streets, i want to invite this so called chaos that you think I dare not be. I want to be weightless flying through the air, i want to jump all these limitations put the shoes upon my feet.
the question was asked, “what is it you and dapaw (pronounced daypaw) do nanny right before you go to bed everynight?”
the answer was as follows: we kiss three times and then argue over who loves the other the most.
heres the catch, the woman is 80 something, maybe more I am not entirely sure.
here is what I am trying to say… it does exist. that fairytale? those “feelings” all of the shadazzle? its real. how do you obtain it? you dont. you be patient. you let it come to you, and you never settle. the problem with everyone is they fear being alone. shut up, yes you do. you fear that time at one a.m. and having no one to talk to. and it can’t just be anyone. oh no, it has to be that guy. because at the end of the day you want to feel good about yourself and have nice things said to you. or maybe you want someone to get over someone else. or maybe you want someone because you are bored. you will never find the real thing, unless you do things right. doing things right involves just letting it be. let life be. yeah, surprising that caitlin whaley is speaking on love, and no it hasn’t been on my mind, but hearing my nanny say that tonight… no one noticed… but it blew my mind. i am talking literally took my mind out from my head threw it up as high into the sky as possible, and then pushed it right back into my mind. i have no other way to explain it. i have been the most negative person when it comes to relationships. i have believed that its all a joke. especially considering how everyone just throws the word love around. love love love love love love love.
annoyed yet? yeah, me too. so shut up. you can’t love someone after two months. you can’t love someone after six. doesn’t. happen. you can be infatuated, fact. but love? whatever, who am i to judge whether anyone is in love or not. im not. but love…is what i heard tonight. and how i see him look at her… i am talking these two are extremely old. and he still smiles when he looks at her. she still calls him handsome.
THIS IS IT PEOPLE. are you listening? people have the idea of a relationship misconstrued. its really just the next step for a lot of people. just something else to do. to master. think of the person you like, or are dating, why are you dating them? what do you hope to gain out of it? what do you feel? and to what extent would you be willing to suffer for this person? to just simply see them smile? do you think of any other guy/girl more than the person you are with? is this just a joy ride for you?
if so, then fine, whatever, just don’t get mad when you don’t get what you are looking for … because you aren’t in it for the right reasons.
that is love.
the end to my rant.
Apparently I owe everyone something, and by something I mean everything that I can possibly ever aspire to in order to appease everyone, except of course, myself. This would be okay if it were not an all the time reoccurring event. For once I wonder what it would feel like just to tell everyone “NO” and sit up on my stool, arms crossed, nose pointed, and just blast my stereo to marilyn manson while I parade around in my room dancing, or just really doing whatever I want.
alas, this shall never happen. why? because for a reason I was programmed to always put everyone above me. why? because for a reason I was destined to constantly do for everyone else. appease everyone else. make everyone else happy. see everyone else smile, even if it drains the everlasting life out of me. am I complaining? sounds that way doesn’t it? no. I am not complaining, I am simply stating that I am just currently out of service. caitlin is emotionally drained, but no worries folks, for she is oh so positive, always positive, always smiling. she will be back momentarily. one day, maybe just a few hours, and she should be fine. So, as I said before, no worries, truly, no worries. I will want to go back to saving the world tomorrow. after I sleep.
yes, tomorrow folks.
But it’s underneath that you can’t erase” —